Where In The World-Wide Web Is Orlando Bloom?

Orlando hasn’t answered my letter yet.

Ordinarily I would understand why, after all he’s an extremely busy hunk and there are lots of losers like me out there vying for his attention. The thing is, I read on one of his fan sites (the same one that admonishes us not to get our hopes up waiting for him to respond to our letters) that he has no upcoming projects. No movies, no stage productions, no commercials, nothing. So shouldn’t he have plenty of time to answer fan mail?

On the above mentioned fan site they said that if we had any questions about fan mail we should feel free to e-mail them and ask. So I e-mailed them and asked, since he doesn’t have any upcoming projects, shouldn’t he have plenty of time to answer fan mail? They haven’t answered me yet either.

To keep myself from feeling too disappointed I trolled around the internet looking for Orlando. As I said, there are many fan sites out there. Unfortunately none of them seem to have the inside scoop on his whereabouts. Nevertheless, some of the sites are quite interesting.

Most of them are just your average, garden variety teeny-bopper sites, but one of them is quite different. This site has very strict guidelines for its members. You have to be over thirteen to join, first of all. And don’t think they won’t be able to tell if you aren’t over thirteen. You have to use proper grammar when posting to the forums. You can’t have a cheesy user name like “Mrs. Bloom” or “iluvsmesomeorlando” or anything like that. You can’t go and post to old, dead forum threads. Most importantly, you can not, under any circumstances, talk about his private life. If you violate any of these rules the consequences will be dire. Now this is my kind of website, let me tell you. You have to have some sense of order in life, after all. I would have started a thread asking if anyone had his phone number, but to tell you the truth I’m fucking scared.

There is another fan site that is pretty much what you’d expect it to be, but it does have a few neat features. One feature is that it has a page where you can send your own Orli-Gram. Basically it’s an e-card that you can send for any occasion. It’s really neat because you can add your special messages and it even has music files that you can attach. They said you could send one to him, which is silly because we already established that he doesn’t have an e-mail address.

Still, I was very excited at the prospect of having a new Christmas Orli-Gram to send to all my friends and well-wishers. I sent one to my friend Pandemonic that said “Have a Good Bloomin’ Day, All My Bloomin’ Love, Wanda.” It turns out she never got it. I sent another one to myself and I received it, but the music didn’t play (I chose “Moon River”).

And to top it all off, I missed Legolas Day (October 25^th).  All in all it was a rather disappointing week. I hope I have something more exciting to report next time.  I’m running out of ideas though. 

Oh, do you want to see the Orli-Gram? Here it is: