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Tag Archives: Rantings and Ravings

“Thank you for calling Home Depot.  How may I help you?”

“Yes, hi.  I’m, uh, looking for something in a hand-held shower.”

 “You’ve come to the right place.  Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“What do you recommend?”

“Well, this Waterpik model is pretty popular…hey, what’s that noise?”

“Nothing.  You were saying?”

“Right.  The Waterpik.  It’s got a maximum flow rate of 2.5 Gpm.”

“Is that pretty standard?”

“Pretty much.  This is one of our most popular models.”

“What’s so great about that one?”

“People seem to like the brass finish.”

“Oh.  I don’t care about that.  What else do you have?”

“There sure is a lot of noise over on your end.  Are you installing a new bathroom?”

“No.  About the shower?”

“Sorry.  Maybe you’d be interested in the Aquatower 3000.”

“WOULD YOU ASSHOLES KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE?  I’M ON THE PHONE!”

“Who are you talking to?”

“Sorry.  Just the plumber.”

“Oh.  Are you upgrading?”

“No.  I broke my old shower, if you must know.”

“Really?  How did that happen?  What were you doing?”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Oh.  It’s pretty hard to break a shower though.” 

“Look, my husband was in Atlantic City so I put the kids to bed early and watched Haven on pay-per-view, OK?”

Haven?  Isn’t that that movie with Orlando Bloom?  I hear the love scenes are pretty hot.”

“Can we get back to business?  My husband will be home any minute.”

“Right.  Well, it’s got a thermostat valve and an adjustable height shower bar.”

“Go on.”

“Let’s see…it has wide, needle jet, champagne and pulsator sprays.”

 “Champagne, eh?  What else?”

“It’s got a built-in shampoo and accessory tray….”

“Fine, fine.  How much?”

“Fourteen hundred.”

“Fourteen hundred?  That’s highway robbery!”

“Maybe you’d like to hear about one of our other….”

“No, that’s OK.  I’ll take it.”

“Thank you for calling Home Depot and have a nice day!”

Editorial note:  If you’ve ever read any of my posts about my quest for Mr. Bloom’s phone number, you’ve probably said to yourself, “Wow.  Mr. Rizzuto must read this stuff and beat Wanda’s ass down every other day.”

You’d think that.  Actually, Mr. Rizzuto is pretty cool about it.  As a matter of fact, he thinks it’s hot when I talk dirty.  He even gave me the outline for a story that he wants me to write, which I’ll get to eventually.

In the meantime, Mr. Rizzuto said I should explore the whole hand-held shower thing.  I hope he likes it.

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I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I have this thing for Orlando Bloom. It’s embarrassing for a lot of reasons. For one thing, I’m on the bad side of 35 (or the really good side of 40, depending on how much Wellbutrin I’ve had). Let’s face it, I’m too old to be crushing on a movie star. For another thing, I really should be over my Great Weakness (i.e. white boys) after all these years. But that’s a whole other blog post.

It’s just that every time I watch Lord of the Rings or Troy I just want to grab him and make him do things. Unspeakable things. Things like scrubbing the mildew off of my bathtub or watching my kids while I get shitfaced.

What? Yes, I have children. I have a husband too, which is another reason why this whole thing is embarrassing. It’s cool though because Mr. Rizzuto and I have come to an understanding. If the opportunity ever presents itself Orlando and I can do unspeakable things to each other, for one time only. In exchange he gets to do likewise with Beyonce or Venus Williams, if the opportunity presents itself. He hasn’t decided which one yet.A couple of years ago I told my staff that I wanted Orlando for my birthday. They thought I was joking so they didn’t get him for me. Later that year he came to town for the premiere of one of his movies (can’t remember which one) and I tried to make one of my people go and pass him my phone number. I couldn’t go myself of course, I’m not crazy enough to be seen in public doing things like that. One of them almost went but then she changed her mind at the last minute. I think she might have called the Department of Labor and they told her she didn’t have to.Anyway, my life is a little boring at the moment. My kids can practically raise themselves and my career is in something of a holding pattern. I’m a nice Catholic girl which means that I won’t be getting any promotions in the near future (not that my company discriminates against Catholics, it‘s just that I don‘t suck dick). I could use some amusement. So I’ve been wondering, how hard can it be to get a movie star’s phone number? It’s not like he’s the pope or Charles Manson. But where to begin?

I’ve been reading the news and it seems that Orlando was in a minor car accident this weekend and spent the night at Cedars Sinai Hospital taking care of his injured friend. Cedars Sinai, eh?

Stay tuned.