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Orlando hasn’t answered my letter yet.

Ordinarily I would understand why, after all he’s an extremely busy hunk and there are lots of losers like me out there vying for his attention. The thing is, I read on one of his fan sites (the same one that admonishes us not to get our hopes up waiting for him to respond to our letters) that he has no upcoming projects. No movies, no stage productions, no commercials, nothing. So shouldn’t he have plenty of time to answer fan mail?

On the above mentioned fan site they said that if we had any questions about fan mail we should feel free to e-mail them and ask. So I e-mailed them and asked, since he doesn’t have any upcoming projects, shouldn’t he have plenty of time to answer fan mail? They haven’t answered me yet either.

To keep myself from feeling too disappointed I trolled around the internet looking for Orlando. As I said, there are many fan sites out there. Unfortunately none of them seem to have the inside scoop on his whereabouts. Nevertheless, some of the sites are quite interesting.

Most of them are just your average, garden variety teeny-bopper sites, but one of them is quite different. This site has very strict guidelines for its members. You have to be over thirteen to join, first of all. And don’t think they won’t be able to tell if you aren’t over thirteen. You have to use proper grammar when posting to the forums. You can’t have a cheesy user name like “Mrs. Bloom” or “iluvsmesomeorlando” or anything like that. You can’t go and post to old, dead forum threads. Most importantly, you can not, under any circumstances, talk about his private life. If you violate any of these rules the consequences will be dire. Now this is my kind of website, let me tell you. You have to have some sense of order in life, after all. I would have started a thread asking if anyone had his phone number, but to tell you the truth I’m fucking scared.

There is another fan site that is pretty much what you’d expect it to be, but it does have a few neat features. One feature is that it has a page where you can send your own Orli-Gram. Basically it’s an e-card that you can send for any occasion. It’s really neat because you can add your special messages and it even has music files that you can attach. They said you could send one to him, which is silly because we already established that he doesn’t have an e-mail address.

Still, I was very excited at the prospect of having a new Christmas Orli-Gram to send to all my friends and well-wishers. I sent one to my friend Pandemonic that said “Have a Good Bloomin’ Day, All My Bloomin’ Love, Wanda.” It turns out she never got it. I sent another one to myself and I received it, but the music didn’t play (I chose “Moon River”).

And to top it all off, I missed Legolas Day (October 25th).  All in all it was a rather disappointing week. I hope I have something more exciting to report next time.  I’m running out of ideas though. 

Oh, do you want to see the Orli-Gram? Here it is:

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21 Comments

  1. This isn’t really related. I can’t help thinking about it when I look at the picture.

    The World Weekly News published their last issue.

  2. I would love to be a fly-on-the-wall if you ever do get his phone number.

    • the little fluffy cat
    • Posted October 30, 2007 at 10:13 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    This isn’t really related either, but chasing Orlando is kind of like looking for the One Ring, isn’t it?

  3. One Orlando to find Wanda and one Orlando to bind her?

    Maybe we shouldn’t go there.

  4. Wanda, you should have let me edit your letter. He may have answered it by now.

    One question: Did you come up with “Have a bloomin’ day”? or is that their idea of cleverness?

  5. Of course it’s their idea of cleverness Corina. I’m not that creative. And I’m really sorry you guys can’t hear the computerized version of Moon River.

    And Shawn, why would you want to be a fly on the wall? Do you actually think I wouldn’t post a transcript of the conversation?

  6. I’m so mad I didn’t get my Orli-Gram. He’s falling down on the job. I hope if you ever meet him that you kick his ass. He should be more receptive to his fans, especially the kooky ones.

  7. ha ha , you echoed my thoughts on your first site, I was like bloody hell – i thought this kind of thing was for fun, not a gramatical excercise

    I think some people take all this a bit too seriously 🙂

    and loving the Orli gram – i made our work xmas card out of that picture (with the hoff the otherside) last year and sent it round the entire college lol, i got a lot of funny comments back!

  8. Happy belated Legolas day Slapparr, thanks for stopping by.

  9. Hey Pan, who you callin’ kooky?

  10. Me. You know that Bowie song? “Kooks” Listen to the lyrics.

    Wait. I can live without Orlando. Not for long of course. But, for a while. Maybe I shouldn’t be dignified with the title “fan”.

    And now I’m thinking of “Bertha”.

    And now I’m wondering about how my mind works.

  11. Wanda: I think you should play it cool, you’re giving too much away. As a man (most of the time) I find that a turn off. If you act like you don’t want him (or his phone number) he’ll come to you.

    Goat: No more WWN?

  12. That might be a problem Stevo. He doesn’t exactly know I exist. Just as soon as he show up on WordPress I’ll play hard to get.

  13. he may not have any projects coming up but A) he doesn’t get every fan letter sent to him–they go to an agency that decides which ones he will even see and B) do you realise the sheer volume of mail the man gets? It took over two months for me to get one of those stupid pre-autographed pictures that you send in a pre-addressed, stamped envelope for.

    (and even the letters you think he should get and/or reply to he may not, btw. Mine was about how Elizabethtown gave me more time spent with my mother before she died from cancer and I never got a reply).

  14. Thanks Wanda! I like your writing style 🙂

    LOl,and thanks for the advice on how to get his phone number steve…..

    sooo, to clarify
    a) go to where you can run into him (generally surrounded by at least 500 screaming girls
    b) position yourself where you can be seen
    c)look cool and disinterested and get his phone number

    LOl Fantastic!!

    Slap

  15. d) hold my baby up and scream “REMEMBER US?”

  16. (Oh, and LCP? It would probably help if I actually mailed the letter.)

  17. Wanda: d) made me laugh.

    Pan: Oh man! Check out LCP’s site name. What are we going to do?

  18. Sue.

  19. (In answer to your question waaaaay up there.)

    I can’t see the look on your face in a transcript. 😀

  20. Oh cool! I can’t wait to get started on my Whorely-Gram! Yours is awfully cute and now I think I’m back in love with him, Wanda. I also feel worried about his dearth of employment…


One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By Deadpan » Vote Early, Vote Often on 26 Dec 2007 at 7:58 pm

    […] been any kind of help. I even tried going undercover on one of the Orlando Bloom message boards (I wrote about it once before) and the result was, heh, a little […]

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