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Category Archives: The Orlando Chronicles

Dear Orlando,

So, I hear your boy Johnny Depp has signed on for the fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean.  Everyone keeps pointing out how you and Keira Knightly swore up and down that you were done with the series.  Hey, it doesn’t matter to me because if you want to know the truth I never could sit through the second one.  The third time around I didn’t even try.  If it makes you feel any better I can watch you get nekkid in Troy til the cows come home.  Hmmm…Troy….

What was I saying?  Oh yeah, Pirates.  Um, no offense, but are you sure you don’t want to take that job?  I hate to be the one to point this out but you haven’t exactly worked lately.  And it’s only going to get worse.  Have you seen this

I hope you don’t mind, but I have some career suggestions for you.  You know, just in case. Read More »

Well, well, it’s great to be back.  I’ve had quite a few adventures the last couple of weeks, but there’s one in particular I know you’re just dying to hear about.

Guess what I found out?  I found out that all this time I’ve been pining away over Orlando his girlfriend has been living just half a block away from my office.  Can you believe it?  I might have bumped into him a million times and not even known it. Read More »

I am totally devastated.  I came to the library to check on my friends and blogmates and found this comment on one of my older posts: Read More »

Dear Orlando,

I have to tell you something.  I’m sick.  Of you.

Dude.  When I first started stalking you I thought maybe we could have some fun times when Mr. Rizzuto went to Atlantic City.  You know, you, me, a Troy DVD and an electronic device or two.  All fun and games.  I didn’t sign on to watch a Victoria’s Secret commercial.  I sure as hell didn’t sign on to watch you follow some bimbo all over the face of the earth.  It was funny at first, now it’s just annoying and tiresome.  I’m out.

I’m dumping you.  Not only am I dumping you, but per Joders’ suggestion I’m joining a convent.  In fact, I’m starting my own order.  I am now a Nodingolite nun.  I’m Catholic anyway, so my mom will be pleased.

I haven’t really worked out all of the rules of our order yet.  All I know is that every time I hear about you cavorting with the dingo I’m going to say 75 Our Father’s and 250 Hail Mary’s.  (I’m not really that worried though because I stopped reading my Google alerts about you and I’ve sworn off the message boards).  I might self-flagellate too, I haven’t really decided about that yet.  Oh, and I think I’ll invent some cool alcohol like the Benedictine monks.  I might as well do something while I’m doing nothing. 

And I’m taking a vow of ignorance.  This is crucial, pay careful attention.  Every time I see a mention of you and the dingo I’m going to pretend neither of you exist.  I guess that means we won’t be seeing much of each other since following your dingo around is the only job you’ve had lately.  Don’t call me. 

I’m just a novice right now.  If I find out you’re in Australia with that hobag doing a David Jones meet and greet I’m taking my final vows and cloistering myself.  I might even take it back old school and brush up on my Latin.  I’ll pray for you.  You’re welcome.

Spiritually yours,

Sister Mary Wanda

P.S.  If anyone out there is feeling sorry for Mr. Rizzuto, don’t.  Right now he’s looking for a ruler for me to beat him with.

P.P.S.  The Nodingolite order is open to fangirls of any persuasion.  Interpol fans are welcome.

 

Well folks, I’m going away this weekend for my Super Secret Internet Group’s convention.  Between Dance Dance Revolution, quarters and plotting world domination I’ll have nary a chance to gloat about the KerrBloom splitup.  Also by the time I get back on Monday the KerrBloom sex tape will probably be out of post-production, so here’s some enjoyment until then. Read More »