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(Mr. Rizzuto said part one wasn’t as hot as he thought it would be.  You can read it here.)

One night in Wanda’s boudoir….

Orlando Bloom: Well, here we are again my dear.

Wanda Rizzuto: Here we are.

OB: Sorry about last time.

WR: Don’t worry about it sweetie.

OB: So, are you ready?

WR: Did you bring condoms? Read More »

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“Thank you for calling Home Depot.  How may I help you?”

“Yes, hi.  I’m, uh, looking for something in a hand-held shower.”

 “You’ve come to the right place.  Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“What do you recommend?”

“Well, this Waterpik model is pretty popular…hey, what’s that noise?”

“Nothing.  You were saying?”

“Right.  The Waterpik.  It’s got a maximum flow rate of 2.5 Gpm.”

“Is that pretty standard?”

“Pretty much.  This is one of our most popular models.”

“What’s so great about that one?”

“People seem to like the brass finish.”

“Oh.  I don’t care about that.  What else do you have?”

“There sure is a lot of noise over on your end.  Are you installing a new bathroom?”

“No.  About the shower?”

“Sorry.  Maybe you’d be interested in the Aquatower 3000.”

“WOULD YOU ASSHOLES KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE?  I’M ON THE PHONE!”

“Who are you talking to?”

“Sorry.  Just the plumber.”

“Oh.  Are you upgrading?”

“No.  I broke my old shower, if you must know.”

“Really?  How did that happen?  What were you doing?”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Oh.  It’s pretty hard to break a shower though.” 

“Look, my husband was in Atlantic City so I put the kids to bed early and watched Haven on pay-per-view, OK?”

Haven?  Isn’t that that movie with Orlando Bloom?  I hear the love scenes are pretty hot.”

“Can we get back to business?  My husband will be home any minute.”

“Right.  Well, it’s got a thermostat valve and an adjustable height shower bar.”

“Go on.”

“Let’s see…it has wide, needle jet, champagne and pulsator sprays.”

 “Champagne, eh?  What else?”

“It’s got a built-in shampoo and accessory tray….”

“Fine, fine.  How much?”

“Fourteen hundred.”

“Fourteen hundred?  That’s highway robbery!”

“Maybe you’d like to hear about one of our other….”

“No, that’s OK.  I’ll take it.”

“Thank you for calling Home Depot and have a nice day!”

Editorial note:  If you’ve ever read any of my posts about my quest for Mr. Bloom’s phone number, you’ve probably said to yourself, “Wow.  Mr. Rizzuto must read this stuff and beat Wanda’s ass down every other day.”

You’d think that.  Actually, Mr. Rizzuto is pretty cool about it.  As a matter of fact, he thinks it’s hot when I talk dirty.  He even gave me the outline for a story that he wants me to write, which I’ll get to eventually.

In the meantime, Mr. Rizzuto said I should explore the whole hand-held shower thing.  I hope he likes it.

Orlando hasn’t answered my letter yet.

Ordinarily I would understand why, after all he’s an extremely busy hunk and there are lots of losers like me out there vying for his attention. The thing is, I read on one of his fan sites (the same one that admonishes us not to get our hopes up waiting for him to respond to our letters) that he has no upcoming projects. No movies, no stage productions, no commercials, nothing. So shouldn’t he have plenty of time to answer fan mail?

On the above mentioned fan site they said that if we had any questions about fan mail we should feel free to e-mail them and ask. So I e-mailed them and asked, since he doesn’t have any upcoming projects, shouldn’t he have plenty of time to answer fan mail? They haven’t answered me yet either.

To keep myself from feeling too disappointed I trolled around the internet looking for Orlando. As I said, there are many fan sites out there. Unfortunately none of them seem to have the inside scoop on his whereabouts. Nevertheless, some of the sites are quite interesting.

Most of them are just your average, garden variety teeny-bopper sites, but one of them is quite different. This site has very strict guidelines for its members. You have to be over thirteen to join, first of all. And don’t think they won’t be able to tell if you aren’t over thirteen. You have to use proper grammar when posting to the forums. You can’t have a cheesy user name like “Mrs. Bloom” or “iluvsmesomeorlando” or anything like that. You can’t go and post to old, dead forum threads. Most importantly, you can not, under any circumstances, talk about his private life. If you violate any of these rules the consequences will be dire. Now this is my kind of website, let me tell you. You have to have some sense of order in life, after all. I would have started a thread asking if anyone had his phone number, but to tell you the truth I’m fucking scared.

There is another fan site that is pretty much what you’d expect it to be, but it does have a few neat features. One feature is that it has a page where you can send your own Orli-Gram. Basically it’s an e-card that you can send for any occasion. It’s really neat because you can add your special messages and it even has music files that you can attach. They said you could send one to him, which is silly because we already established that he doesn’t have an e-mail address.

Still, I was very excited at the prospect of having a new Christmas Orli-Gram to send to all my friends and well-wishers. I sent one to my friend Pandemonic that said “Have a Good Bloomin’ Day, All My Bloomin’ Love, Wanda.” It turns out she never got it. I sent another one to myself and I received it, but the music didn’t play (I chose “Moon River”).

And to top it all off, I missed Legolas Day (October 25th).  All in all it was a rather disappointing week. I hope I have something more exciting to report next time.  I’m running out of ideas though. 

Oh, do you want to see the Orli-Gram? Here it is:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Finding Orlando’s phone number wasn’t going to be easy. I was going to need help so I decided to enlist L.G.

L.G. knows what time it is. She works for me and I’m the best boss in the world. Besides, I just helped her husband update his resume, so if I need someone to take a restraining order for me she‘s the one.

I left a note on L.G.’s desk one evening along with the article about Orlando’s car accident. The number to Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles was in the note along with instructions to call him before he had a chance to leave. 

I asked her first thing in the morning if she called.

“Um, yeah. They said he was gone already.” Then she went away.

For the rest of the week I kept reminding her that she had to get in touch with him. My birthday is coming up and if I don’t get what I want I might be hard to live with.

“Does he have a website?” she asked. “Maybe if he has a website I can just send him an e-mail.” I looked into it. He does have several fan sites, but one of them said in no uncertain terms that he did not have an e-mail address. I suppose being pretty takes up too much of his time, you can’t really expect him to have e-mail skills.I printed out the information and left it for L.G. again. The next morning I found this note on my desk:“Sorry! I called Orlando & he said Jessica Simpson won’t let him come 2 NY.”Jessica Simpson. Very amusing. I’m starting to think L.G.’s not really making those phone calls at all.

Clearly no one respects my authority. I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands and write my own fan letter. I’ve never done that before, and since Orlando probably get tons of fan letters and never sees most of it, I was really going to have to put my ass into it.

My first stop was the Orlando Bloom Files . On the contact page they listed the address to his talent agency and a set of perfectly draconian guidelines for sending fan mail. If I wanted an autograph I had to send an envelope big enough for an 8×10 photo. It had to have U.S. postage, or an IRC, whatever the crap that is. If I was lucky enough to get a response, I had to swear, under penalty of severe torture, not to write again unless I wanted to ruin it for all his other fans.

Gawd. Do they give out ration tickets too? Seriously, is this a fan club or the meat line in Soviet Russia? I’m not liking this. Who is he to ask me for 60 cents worth of postage? Isn’t he the millionaire? And aren’t I the one who spent ten dollars and two hours of her life (which I’ll never get back, incidentally) on Kingdom of Heaven? And don’t even get me started on Elizabethtown.

But I digress. I decided to look for help on writing the letter. I Googled “fan mail” and found a lot of information on the subject. There’s also quite a bit of fan mail trivia. For instance, did you know that Marlon Brando once wrote a fan letter to Kukla, Fran and Ollie? I got some good advice too. Here are the highlights:

“Begin your letter by identifying yourself. Your name and age are good starters.”

“Tell the person how much you like his work. Be specific.”

“Do not ask a star to meet you, call you, marry you, etc. Do not use gimmicks or guilt trips.”

“ ‘Hi, my name is obsessed fan and I masturbate daily to your bod!’ isn’t your ideal starter.”

“Conclude by wishing the celebrity the best of luck or telling him how much you look forward to future work.”

Right. OK. Got it. Here’s the first draft of my fan letter:

Dear Orlando,

Hello. My name is Wanda. Never mind how old I am.

I really enjoy your work. My favorite movie was Troy and my favorite part was when you took your drawers off.

I don’t expect you to meet me, call me or marry me but I think you ought to seriously consider buying E-mail for Dummies. Oh, I almost forgot, if you’re available my husband says we can hook up but you only get one shot (no pun intended). And don’t worry, Oprah Winfrey says I’m only fat because I have an old thyroid, and I have a doctor’s appointment later in the week.

What do you like to do for fun? When my husband goes out I like to rent Troy, drink some Mad Dog 20/20 and have sexy time with my hand-held shower scrapbooking.

Best of luck to you. I look forward to seeing you go full monty in your next film.

I remain,

Wanda Rizzuto

You guys let me know if you think it needs anything.