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Finding Orlando’s phone number wasn’t going to be easy. I was going to need help so I decided to enlist L.G.

L.G. knows what time it is. She works for me and I’m the best boss in the world. Besides, I just helped her husband update his resume, so if I need someone to take a restraining order for me she‘s the one.

I left a note on L.G.’s desk one evening along with the article about Orlando’s car accident. The number to Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles was in the note along with instructions to call him before he had a chance to leave. 

I asked her first thing in the morning if she called.

“Um, yeah. They said he was gone already.” Then she went away.

For the rest of the week I kept reminding her that she had to get in touch with him. My birthday is coming up and if I don’t get what I want I might be hard to live with.

“Does he have a website?” she asked. “Maybe if he has a website I can just send him an e-mail.” I looked into it. He does have several fan sites, but one of them said in no uncertain terms that he did not have an e-mail address. I suppose being pretty takes up too much of his time, you can’t really expect him to have e-mail skills.I printed out the information and left it for L.G. again. The next morning I found this note on my desk:“Sorry! I called Orlando & he said Jessica Simpson won’t let him come 2 NY.”Jessica Simpson. Very amusing. I’m starting to think L.G.’s not really making those phone calls at all.

Clearly no one respects my authority. I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands and write my own fan letter. I’ve never done that before, and since Orlando probably get tons of fan letters and never sees most of it, I was really going to have to put my ass into it.

My first stop was the Orlando Bloom Files . On the contact page they listed the address to his talent agency and a set of perfectly draconian guidelines for sending fan mail. If I wanted an autograph I had to send an envelope big enough for an 8×10 photo. It had to have U.S. postage, or an IRC, whatever the crap that is. If I was lucky enough to get a response, I had to swear, under penalty of severe torture, not to write again unless I wanted to ruin it for all his other fans.

Gawd. Do they give out ration tickets too? Seriously, is this a fan club or the meat line in Soviet Russia? I’m not liking this. Who is he to ask me for 60 cents worth of postage? Isn’t he the millionaire? And aren’t I the one who spent ten dollars and two hours of her life (which I’ll never get back, incidentally) on Kingdom of Heaven? And don’t even get me started on Elizabethtown.

But I digress. I decided to look for help on writing the letter. I Googled “fan mail” and found a lot of information on the subject. There’s also quite a bit of fan mail trivia. For instance, did you know that Marlon Brando once wrote a fan letter to Kukla, Fran and Ollie? I got some good advice too. Here are the highlights:

“Begin your letter by identifying yourself. Your name and age are good starters.”

“Tell the person how much you like his work. Be specific.”

“Do not ask a star to meet you, call you, marry you, etc. Do not use gimmicks or guilt trips.”

“ ‘Hi, my name is obsessed fan and I masturbate daily to your bod!’ isn’t your ideal starter.”

“Conclude by wishing the celebrity the best of luck or telling him how much you look forward to future work.”

Right. OK. Got it. Here’s the first draft of my fan letter:

Dear Orlando,

Hello. My name is Wanda. Never mind how old I am.

I really enjoy your work. My favorite movie was Troy and my favorite part was when you took your drawers off.

I don’t expect you to meet me, call me or marry me but I think you ought to seriously consider buying E-mail for Dummies. Oh, I almost forgot, if you’re available my husband says we can hook up but you only get one shot (no pun intended). And don’t worry, Oprah Winfrey says I’m only fat because I have an old thyroid, and I have a doctor’s appointment later in the week.

What do you like to do for fun? When my husband goes out I like to rent Troy, drink some Mad Dog 20/20 and have sexy time with my hand-held shower scrapbooking.

Best of luck to you. I look forward to seeing you go full monty in your next film.

I remain,

Wanda Rizzuto

You guys let me know if you think it needs anything.