OK, I realize that I’m probably going straight to hell for writing this, but I was bored and that makes it OK. In any event my editors (i.e. Anners and Joders) say it isn’t that bad, so whatever. And anyway I consider it a public service to give this boring ass fandom something to talk about.
Wanda Rizzuto: Thank you again for your time Miranda.
Miranda Kerr: yoor welkom wanda!
WR: Well, a lot has happened since the last time we chatted, hasn’t it.
MK: ill saie.
WR: There’s been a lot of chatter lately about there being trouble in paradise with your boyfriend, Orlando Bloom. Is there any truth to the rumors?
MK: wel i dont noe wanda. i musst admitt that im a liddul disapoyntid wif orleez behavyer latlee. az iff it wuzznt hyumilleeating enuf to heer that hee hookd upp wif a gagle of blond gurlz whyle mye bak wuz turnd, nowe i hav to heer abowt himm kanoooolding wif som hoar in norf karolyna tu. iz ther noe won a swiet farmm gurl frum gunneduh can trusst?
WR: I suppose not. I must say, I’m very surprised that you put up with him this long. You were quite upset with him a few months ago. May I remind you of your comments at the time?
but maybe you all would like to have a guy who sexually humilates you by forcing you
more or less to have anal sex, that films it happening, that and most the
sex you have and telling you what a ***** you are and will only have sex
with you in the Doggy dingo position. Yeah, such a sweetheart!! I was fooled by
him TOTALLY, and for the record, he has had about 85 sexual partners.
MK: i dont noe wat yoor tawking abowt.
WR: Oh cut the crap.
MK: OK, it wuz mee butt it wuz onlee that won tyme.
WR: Well I don’t blame you for being upset about being degraded so horribly. Anal sex! I think he’s just horrid!
MK: i noe, rite? i meen, y kudnt hee jusst kum in mye fase lik evreewon els?
WR: Why, indeed?
MK: thannk yoo wanda. im glaad sumwon inn thiss gastlee fandum iz sensativv too mye fielings.
WR: He’s no gentleman.
MK: hee shur iznt. andd i awlso hurd that heez sieng sum othur gurl two, sum bytch naymed nott pikshured. iff i sie that hoar on tha striet im gona kik hur az.
WR: So then it’s over between the two of you?
MK: im jus nott shur. i haf himm on probayshon rite nowe yoo noe, annd mye frenz an suporturs at jus jarid hav bin teling mee that heez noe gud an im starrting too thinnke therr rite. i suppoz i jus hav too fynd tha koradge too leeve fynullee.
WR: On that note, how’s your book coming?
MK: im glaad yoove aksed that wanda. its kuming jus grate butt i haf chayngd tha tytle agayn. insted of caling it “treshur urself, exc.” i wil kall it “pleshur urself”.
WR: Is it still going to be about self-esteem and nutrition?
MK: noe, it wil bee a howe too buk dedicaytid too my speshil frenz and fanz at dl_anon.
WR: That’s very thoughtful of you Miranda.
MK: iznt itt tho? of korse ther wil bee lotz of pikshurs of mee in mye drawrs. lotz and lotz of glosie pikshurs.
WR: Well they do love a good wank, don’t they?
MK: yess thay shur doo.
WR: So? What’s next for Miranda Kerr? I’ve heard that you’re considering a career in acting.
MK: yess. butt az yoo noe, i wont goe fore jus anee roll. i wante summthing of subbstans and nott jus anothur “hott gurl” karaktur.
WR: So I’ve heard. Is there anything on the horizon?
MK: of kors ther iz! yoo don thinnk id mayke itt up jus fore publissitee’s sayke, doo yoo? i hav awlredy mett wif a kasting agint.
WR: Oh how interesting! What sort of role are you up for?
MK: wel im not shur egsaktly. i jus noe that itt wil bee verie fysikally demannding.
WR: What makes you say that?
MK: bekuse hee towld mee too kum bak wen i had no teef an a hed flatt enuf too resst hiz bier on.
WR: I see.
MK: thay wil probublee kompair mye pirformins too that muvee wif charleez therronn.
MK: yess thats tha won.
WR: How did you meet this casting agent anyway? Did Orlando introduce you?
MK: noe, i mett himm on mye laste wurlwhind modellling toor. hee wuz wurking at tha chik-fil-a rite nesckt too tha runwaie.
WR: Oh. Well, I wish you the best of luck. Just don’t let Hollywood ruin your sweet and unspoiled nature, OK?
MK: o dont worie, i wonte wanda. if awl els fayls, i kan jus go bak too mye owld jobb in awstralia.
WR: And what job was that?
MK: i thawt yoo mite aks sow i brawt won of mye owld prowmowshunal videeoz fore yoor vewing pleshur.
WR: You’re a regular renaissance woman, aren’t you?
MK: yess i amm. i jus wannt too thanke yoo fore awl yoor suport inn mye tyme of nied wanda, annd fore awlwayz sieing mye syde of thinngs. huggs?
WR: That’s OK. Well folks, be sure to stay tuned for updates about Miranda Kerr’s exciting acting and singing career!