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Tag Archives: The Orlando Chronicles

“Thank you for calling Home Depot.  How may I help you?”

“Yes, hi.  I’m, uh, looking for something in a hand-held shower.”

 “You’ve come to the right place.  Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“What do you recommend?”

“Well, this Waterpik model is pretty popular…hey, what’s that noise?”

“Nothing.  You were saying?”

“Right.  The Waterpik.  It’s got a maximum flow rate of 2.5 Gpm.”

“Is that pretty standard?”

“Pretty much.  This is one of our most popular models.”

“What’s so great about that one?”

“People seem to like the brass finish.”

“Oh.  I don’t care about that.  What else do you have?”

“There sure is a lot of noise over on your end.  Are you installing a new bathroom?”

“No.  About the shower?”

“Sorry.  Maybe you’d be interested in the Aquatower 3000.”

“WOULD YOU ASSHOLES KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE?  I’M ON THE PHONE!”

“Who are you talking to?”

“Sorry.  Just the plumber.”

“Oh.  Are you upgrading?”

“No.  I broke my old shower, if you must know.”

“Really?  How did that happen?  What were you doing?”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Oh.  It’s pretty hard to break a shower though.” 

“Look, my husband was in Atlantic City so I put the kids to bed early and watched Haven on pay-per-view, OK?”

Haven?  Isn’t that that movie with Orlando Bloom?  I hear the love scenes are pretty hot.”

“Can we get back to business?  My husband will be home any minute.”

“Right.  Well, it’s got a thermostat valve and an adjustable height shower bar.”

“Go on.”

“Let’s see…it has wide, needle jet, champagne and pulsator sprays.”

 “Champagne, eh?  What else?”

“It’s got a built-in shampoo and accessory tray….”

“Fine, fine.  How much?”

“Fourteen hundred.”

“Fourteen hundred?  That’s highway robbery!”

“Maybe you’d like to hear about one of our other….”

“No, that’s OK.  I’ll take it.”

“Thank you for calling Home Depot and have a nice day!”

Editorial note:  If you’ve ever read any of my posts about my quest for Mr. Bloom’s phone number, you’ve probably said to yourself, “Wow.  Mr. Rizzuto must read this stuff and beat Wanda’s ass down every other day.”

You’d think that.  Actually, Mr. Rizzuto is pretty cool about it.  As a matter of fact, he thinks it’s hot when I talk dirty.  He even gave me the outline for a story that he wants me to write, which I’ll get to eventually.

In the meantime, Mr. Rizzuto said I should explore the whole hand-held shower thing.  I hope he likes it.

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