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Greetings and salutations!

I’ve been thinking a lot about weddings lately.  Specifically, Hollywood weddings.  I got to wondering, could it be true what they say about celebrity romances being fake publicity stunts?  Surely not, you say?  Well, take a gander at what I found out from our friends at the always informative (and reputable) Slate Magazine.

“…(F)rom the ’20s until the studio system disintegrated in the ’60s, the bosses—who exercised absolute authority over their actors—fabricated fake dalliances and exploited real ones for two purposes: first, to create new stars by attaching them to established ones, and second, to cover up the homosexuality or potentially tarnishing behavior of a star.”

Viggo!

“The studios developed crude but effective techniques for selling an affair to the media and public. Studio heads ordered starlets to appear with more established actors at Hollywood nightspots.”
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“Straight celebrities frequently use relationships to burnish their own careers. Actors understand that the public likes to see celebrities together, and that dating a “civilian” has no Hollywood cachet.”

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No cache. 😦

“When a less famous actress dates a leading man, his fame rubs off on her. (‘Dating up,’ that’s called.)”

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Cache! 😀

“One critical side benefit of dating up: The less famous celeb may get access to the famous one’s more powerful agent and manager.”

Well I never even thought of that!

“What kind of dating helps a celebrity most? MSNBC’s Scoop Columnist Jeannette Walls has constructed a dating hierarchy: At the top are “major royalty” (that is, Prince William). Next are movie stars, then TV stars, then minor royalty. At the bottom: rock stars. (Rock stars, after all, will date anyone. Rock stars date porn stars.)”

You don’t say.

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“How do you create and then exploit your celebrity romance?

“If you haven’t found your celebrity love, arrange it: Jennifer Aniston had her publicist call Brad Pitt’s publicist to ask for a date. Once it’s started, promoting it is simple. You should appear together at semi-private places—in a back room at the Los Angeles’ Ivy restaurant, or at the New York club Bungalow 8, or anywhere that Tobey Maguire is.”

Semi-private.  Check.

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“When you’re photographed there, feign annoyance and express surprise that anyone would see you. A joint appearance at a Lakers or Knicks game (depending on your coast) is useful fodder for the tabs.”

Annoyance and surprise.  Check.

Start engaging in very public canoodling—in your car, in clubs, at restaurants. ‘You should hold hands and gaze lovingly no matter what the situation,’ says Walls.

Public canoodling.  Check. Hand holding.  Check.

When quizzed about the relationship, issue an ostentatious denial through your publicist: “They are just close friends.” If public interest flags, have a friend drop a leak to Us or the tabloids: “They couldn’t keep their hands off each other on the set. …”

Ostentatious denial.  Check.  Can’t keep our hands off each other.  Check.

It is generally considered a bad career move to allow celebrity dating to progress to marriage (ruh ro). When a sexy actor marries, it dims his hot image. When a sexy actress marries, it’s even worse. The story gets boring for the public: The tantalizing fear and doubt and curiosity about whether the couple will survive dissipates. Both members seem suddenly duller.

Craaaaaaap!  Now you tell us!

Oh well.  I guess being boring isn’t the worst thing in the world that can happen to a celebrity couple. 

Is it?

Now aren’t you feeling smarter already?  I know I am!  There’s just one thing I’d add to this discussion:

Never let the hecklers see you sweat.

 (Disclaimer:  I don’t really think Whorelando Bloom is gay.  I just like saying VIGGO!)

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12 Comments

  1. Oh snap, Selma that was amazing….VIGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  2. Great analysis, Selma – am feeling smarter now 😉

  3. Can I just say what an inspired blogger you are wanda, what a brilliant and insightful summary of our happy couple 😀

    I think they need to read it though, strikes me that they missed the not being married part……..

  4. Slappar that was just an after thought. Ted and others put a snag in their plans so they had to up their stakes a bit. Gotta throw people off the trail a bit- with a nice “wedding” where the details are all over the map.

  5. Seems like it, doesn’t it Slappar?

    Hey, I’m not Selma! Don’t you guys know who Selma is?

  6. Did it say anything about celebrity families yapping to the press? No? Ok then.

  7. Great job Wanda, but did you really have to post before and after pics of Orlando? It just breaks the heart to see the difference in his looks from then to now! He’ll never look that good again, at least not in my opinion.

  8. Where can I sign up for the Save Our Whorelando Campaign?

  9. If Moronduuhhh is Selma and Whorely is Troy, who is MacArthur Parker (which was a fabulously inspired name, btw!!)?

    This is a stellar piece of blogging, Wanda. Brilliant!

    @ SadieJo – I’m not sure we can save Whorelando. And I’m not really sure he would want to be saved anyway.

  10. Sorry KC, I guess I’m holding out hope that our Whorely will get his mojo back.

  11. Well, looks like somebody got a hold of the “Publicists Handbook to Make Your Nobody A STAR!(phucker)”

    I especially love the bit about “rockstars will date anybody” – old boyfriend she traded up for, a wannabe rockstar – check. More proof she is just an anybody nobody Porn Star looking for her meal ticket!

  12. HA HA HA


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