Greetings and salutations!
I’ve been thinking a lot about weddings lately. Specifically, Hollywood weddings. I got to wondering, could it be true what they say about celebrity romances being fake publicity stunts? Surely not, you say? Well, take a gander at what I found out from our friends at the always informative (and reputable) Slate Magazine.
“…(F)rom the ’20s until the studio system disintegrated in the ’60s, the bosses—who exercised absolute authority over their actors—fabricated fake dalliances and exploited real ones for two purposes: first, to create new stars by attaching them to established ones, and second, to cover up the homosexuality or potentially tarnishing behavior of a star.”
“Straight celebrities frequently use relationships to burnish their own careers. Actors understand that the public likes to see celebrities together, and that dating a “civilian” has no Hollywood cachet.”
No cache. 😦
“When a less famous actress dates a leading man, his fame rubs off on her. (‘Dating up,’ that’s called.)”
“One critical side benefit of dating up: The less famous celeb may get access to the famous one’s more powerful agent and manager.”
“What kind of dating helps a celebrity most? MSNBC’s Scoop Columnist Jeannette Walls has constructed a dating hierarchy: At the top are “major royalty” (that is, Prince William). Next are movie stars, then TV stars, then minor royalty. At the bottom: rock stars. (Rock stars, after all, will date anyone. Rock stars date porn stars.)”
You don’t say.
“How do you create and then exploit your celebrity romance?
“If you haven’t found your celebrity love, arrange it: Jennifer Aniston had her publicist call Brad Pitt’s publicist to ask for a date. Once it’s started, promoting it is simple. You should appear together at semi-private places—in a back room at the Los Angeles’ Ivy restaurant, or at the New York club Bungalow 8, or anywhere that Tobey Maguire is.”
“When you’re photographed there, feign annoyance and express surprise that anyone would see you. A joint appearance at a Lakers or Knicks game (depending on your coast) is useful fodder for the tabs.”
Annoyance and surprise. Check.
Start engaging in very public canoodling—in your car, in clubs, at restaurants. ‘You should hold hands and gaze lovingly no matter what the situation,’ says Walls.
When quizzed about the relationship, issue an ostentatious denial through your publicist: “They are just close friends.” If public interest flags, have a friend drop a leak to Us or the tabloids: “They couldn’t keep their hands off each other on the set. …”
It is generally considered a bad career move to allow celebrity dating to progress to marriage (ruh ro). When a sexy actor marries, it dims his hot image. When a sexy actress marries, it’s even worse. The story gets boring for the public: The tantalizing fear and doubt and curiosity about whether the couple will survive dissipates. Both members seem suddenly duller.
Craaaaaaap! Now you tell us!
Oh well. I guess being boring isn’t the worst thing in the world that can happen to a celebrity couple.
Now aren’t you feeling smarter already? I know I am! There’s just one thing I’d add to this discussion:
(Disclaimer: I don’t really think Whorelando Bloom is gay. I just like saying VIGGO!)