It has come to my attention that some of my readers are not fluent in dingspeak. For your convenience I’ve translated the interview into English for your reading pleasure. But if you ask me it’s funnier the other way.
Hello, my excellent readers! I’m here today with our friend Maryann Kerrpinsky to discuss a very important, serious issue. You all remember Maryann, don’t you?
Let’s get on with the interview, shall we?
Wanda Rizzuto: Hello and welcome back Maryann.
Maryann Kerrpinski: Hello Wanda. I’m very glad to be here, I just wish it was under happier circumstances.
WR: I understand completely. Tell me, what brings you here today?
MK: I’m here with a dire warning to all of your readers. I have been the victim of a group of internet bullies.
WR: No! That’s outrageous!
MK: Yes it is. They have invaded my personal private Twitter page (you know how fiercely private I am) and insulted me for no reason. I was just minding my own business when they came along and attacked me. I wasn’t talking to them or anything.
WR: I’m so sorry that happened to you, Maryann.
MK: I’m a poor innocent victim, Wanda. I tried to defend myself by starting my own blog. I figured I’d give them a taste of their own medicine, but they’re so stupid they didn’t get it.
MK: Some people are too think to understand satire. I had to explain it to them and everything. The whole thing made me so tired I went home and drowned my sorrows in rioja.
WR: I’m sorry to hear that. Not everyone can appreciate your sense of humor I guess.
MK: My jokes are very caustic and high brow. I watch Monty Python, you know. Would you like to see my rendition of the Ministry of Silly Walks skit?
WR: Thank you, no. I’ve seen you on the runway.
MK: Suit yourself. Anyway, I’ve prepared a few remarks. May I?
WR: Please do.
MK: Thank you. Ahem. Friends, we live in dangerous times. No one is safe from the viciousness of fat, jealous, tore up old haters. We must stand together to stop them NOW! If not us, who? If not now, when? We must treasure ourselves and be a shining example to young girls. Say no to tyranny, in our schools, our churches, and even the internet. Yes, the internet! You and I must…Wanda? Wanda! Please stop playing with your IPad and pay attention!
WR: I’m sorry.
MK: Conspicous wealth isn’t fashionable anymore, Wanda. You should be more down to earth and humble like me. No offense.
WR: Oh, none taken! And this isn’t an IPad. It’s a new and much more useful gadget. It’s called IScreencap. You ought to think about getting one to help you with your internet stalker problem.
MK: I am very intrigued! Tell me more.
WR: OK. Let’s say you’re being attacked by some internet bullies who are saying terrible things about you or your friends. And let’s say these people, in a pathetic attempt to make themselves look like innocent victims, make their Twitter accounts private.
WR: And let’s say these psychos tried to scare you with a bunch of empty threats. They know who you are, they’re going to sue, they have your IP address, etc. etc. You get the picture.
WR: Well, with I Screencap you’d have all the documentary evidence you needed to defend yourself! Wanna give it a whirl?
MK: …well…I’ve prepared a few remarks…
WR: Oh, come on! Just click that button right there, the one that says “We got you, booyah!”
MK: Well OK….
WR: Now, just give it a second to load. There we go!
WR: You’re looking a little pale there, Maryann. Hey, what are you doing?
MK: Oh nothing. I’m just testing the memory capabilities of the IScreencap.
WR: Well, you won’t get rid of those files with a chalkboard eraser. I have all of these and lots more on my hard drive at home anyway. But I interrupted you, didn’t I? What were you saying?
MK: Umm…gogi berry?
WR: No, no. You were saing something about tyranny.
MK: Oh. Right, tyranny…and gogi berries…and…Wanda? I’d really like to do my silly walk now.
WR: *sigh* Whatever Maryann. The exit is right over there. Give it up for Maryann Kerrpinski, folks!