Hello, my excellent readers! I’m here today with our friend Maryann Kerrpinsky to discuss a very important, serious issue. You all remember Maryann, don’t you?
Let’s get on with the interview, shall we?
Wanda Rizzuto: Hello and welcome back Maryann.
Maryann Kerrpinski: Helo Wanda. Eyem verri glaad to bee heir, eye jest wesh itt wuz undir hapyer sirkumstanzes.
WR: I understand completely. Tell me, what brings you here today?
MK: Eyem heir weth a dyre warrning too awl uf yor reederz. Eye haf bin tha viktem of a groop uf internetz bulleez.
WR: No! That’s outrageous!
MK: Yes itt iz. Thay haf invaydid mie perrzonel pryvate twitur payge (yoo now hau feerslee pryvate eye yam) and innsultid mei fore now reezin. Eye wuz jusst mynding mie oun bizznes wen thay kayme alongk and ataked mie. Eye wuzzint tawlking tu thim orr anneethink.
WR: I’m so sorry that happened to you, Maryann.
MK: Eyem a pour innicint vicktim, Wanda. Eye tryde too duhfend myeself bye starttin mye oun blawg. Eye figgurd eye’d giv thum a tayste uf thayr oun medisyne, butt thayr so stoopid thay diddnt gett itt.
MK: Sum peeple r tu thik tu understannd satyre. Eye haad to explayn itt to thim an vreething. Tha hole thingg mayde mee so tyrid i wnt hom an dround mie sorowz in reeohah.
WR: I’m sorry to hear that. Not everyone can appreciate your sense of humor I guess.
MK: Mie jowkes r verri kawstick and hi brau. Eye watsch montee piethan, yoo noe. Wood yoo lyke too sie mie rendishin uf tha minisstree uf silli waulks skitt?
WR: Thank you, no. I’ve seen you on the runway.
MK: Soot urself. Anieway, eyeve pripeared a fyoo reemarcks. Maye eye?
WR: Please do.
MK: Thanck yoo. Eehhem. Frendz, wee liv inn dangeris tymes. Noe won is sayfe frum tha vishissness uf fat jellis towr upp olde hatrz. Wee musst standd twogethur tu stopp thim NOWE! Iff nott uss, hoo? Iff nott nowe, wen? Wee musst treshur owrselfs an bee a shyning eckampul too yung gurls. Sae noe too teeraknee, inn owr skools, owr churhiz, and evin tha internetz. Yess, tha internetz! Yoo and eye musst…Wanda? Wanda! Pleez stopp plaing wif yoor eyepad and pae atentichin!
WR: I’m sorry.
MK: Konspickuis welth iznt fashinabel animor, Wanda. Yoo shud bee mor doun to earf and humbil lyke mee. Noe ofens.
WR: Oh, none taken! And this isn’t an IPad. It’s a new and much more useful gadget. It’s called IScreencap. You ought to think about getting one to help you with your internet stalker problem.
MK: Eye yam verri intreeged! Tel me mor.
WR: OK. Let’s say you’re being attacked by some internet bullies who are saying terrible things about you or your friends. And let’s say these people, in a pathetic attempt to make themselves look like innocent victims, make their Twitter accounts private.
WR: And let’s say these psychos tried to scare you with a bunch of empty threats. They know who you are, they’re going to sue, they have your IP address, etc. etc. You get the picture.
WR: Well, with I Screencap you’d have all the documentary evidence you needed to defend yourself! Wanna give it a whirl?
MK: …wel…ey’ve preepeared a fyoo reemarcks….
WR: Oh, come on! Just click that button right there, the one that says “We got you, booyah!”
MK: Wel ok….
WR: Now, just give it a second to load. There we go!
WR: You’re looking a little pale there, Maryann. Hey, what are you doing?
MK: O nuthing. Eyem jusst testink tha memmorie caypabilliteez uf tha i skreenkap.
WR: Well, you won’t get rid of those files with a chalkboard eraser. I have all of these and lots more on my hard drive at home anyway. But I interrupted you, didn’t I? What were you saying?
MK: Umm…gogee burri?
WR: No, no. You were saing something about tyrany.
MK: O. Rite, teeraknee…an gogee burreez…and…Wanda? Eye’d rilly lyke tu du mye sillie wauk nowe.
WR: *sigh* Whatever Maryann. The exit is right over there. Give it up for Maryann Kerrpinski, folks!