Greetings and salutations! Sorry for not posting for a long time but…you know.
So I was having a discussion with one of the slags about my Google alerts, and how they’re set up for Whorely but somehow always end up being about his girlfriend, which sucks dingho arse.
I decided to do some very (un)scientific statistical research on the matter. Just for you my dearest darling readers, I to waded through all of my e-mails to get to the bottom of things. Of course, that also meant slogging through my important notifications about lottery winnings and inheritances from long-lost strangers, among other things, so I really just ended up going through October. Aren’t you dying to here what I found out?
Well. Out of 92 Google alerts that I read, 37 of them were really about either the abomination known as “Kerrbloom”, or in fact had nothing to do with Whorely whatsoever. Shocking, eh? Most of them read something like this:
pirate of the carribean star orlando bloom’s greatest treasure is STUNNING SUPERMODEL MIRANDA KERR BLAH BLAH BLAH…
You get the picture.
A good many of them had to do with the launch of a certain skin care line, called Whora. Er, Kora. Some were amusing, in that they misspelled the dingho’s name, but still annoying because they were only about her. A lot of them were about her indignation at being called skinny, even though she is. There were a few about a fake security breach, her “grueling work schedule”, her complexion, Whorely carrying around her rat dog, and, of course, reminding us that she is the “parking spot for Orlando Bloom’s penis.” Mostly though, they just wanted to reassure us that the couple was still going strong, the engagement rumors were true. Or not. Oh, and there was one article about the worst celebrity beards. Much to my surprise, this was not about Miranda Kerr.
So, fully 40% of my Google alerts for the month of October were about something other than Whorelando Bloom being hotness. In conclusion, we can deduct from this scientific study that Miranda Kerr sucks and her publicist gets paid by the hour. That is all.
(Footnote: I hasten to add that it would have been much higher than 40%, but October was also the month that Whorely was appointed UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, and they also caught the people that burgled his house, so there were a lot of repeat alerts about that stuff).