January 14, 2009
Miranda Kerr: i yam rilly gonna mayke thos fat jellis hatrz mad nowe tee hee!
Orlando Bloom: Can you just not jump on the table and bay at the moon this time? I hate it when you do that.
MK: ok ill trie orlee.
OB: On second thought, maitre d’? I think we’ll take a table inside tonight.
MK: nowe isnt thiss lovelee? jus yoo an mee an 47 paps havin a pryvit eevning toogethur.
OB: I suppose you’re wondering why I asked you to dinner tonight?
MK: so yoo koud gays loninglee intoo mye eyze an strowke mye pelt?
OB: Not exactly.
MK: bekaus yoo noe howe mutch i lov sooshi?
OB: Yes, I understand that the canis familiaris dingo is an opportunistic feeder, but that’s not why I brought you here. Miranda, you can’t go on this way. You simply must stop going online and terrorizing my fans, it’s humiliating!
MK: i don now wat ur tawlkin abowt HAY KAN EYE GIT A GLAS OF WATRE HEER?
OB: Don’t play dumb Miranda. It’s the worst kept secret on the internet that you go to all the fansites and mess with the fangirls.
MK: whoo tolde yoo that lye? wanda? shes a fat jellis lyer, i nevr wuz meen to herr.
OB: Of course I’m not talking about Wanda. Everyone knows you’re too scared to mess with her, she’ll tear you to pieces with her biting wit and excellent satire (and it looks like you can bounce a quarter off her ass).
MK: thats kold orlee.
OB: How many times have you been on Just Jared today Miranda?
MK: i havnt bin ther all wiek!
OB: Then how do you explain this:
WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE GET A LIFE!! IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT THEM ,THEN DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!!! YOU CAN HAVE AN OPINION, BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO BE SO NASTY~ NOW I WILL HAVE MY SAY, BECAUSE I AM FED UP WITH PEOPLE COMING ONTO JJ AND JUST BEING CRUEL…
IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOUR ALL VERY VERY PATHETIC AND ARE JELOUSE, AND HAVE SOME WEIRD MESSED UP IDEA IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU SHOULD AND COULD BE WITH ORLANDO, BECAUSE YOUR SO MUCH BETTER MIRANDA KERR, A VICTORIAS SECRECT MODEL!!…YOU PROBABLY ALL HAVE SHRINES DEDICATED TO HIM IN YOUR BEDROOMS…HAHAHAHAHA, AS FOR HIM MAKING HER FAMOUS, I DON’T THINK SO!! IF YOU CRAWLED OUT FROM UNDER YOUR HOLES, OR DECIDED TO FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT OTHER PLACES IN THE WORLD, OTHER THAN AMERICA, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT MIRANDA WAS AROUND WAY BEFORE ORLANDO!!
MK: o ok, i konfes. *sob* its not mye fawlt! its thos fangurls, thay hayte me four no reezin! theyr jus prejoodised bekaus im a kwah…kwah…kwah…
MK: kwahdrowped! o boooo hooooo!!!
OB: There there, don’t cry.
MK: beestlie, beestlie fangurlz!
OB: Look Miranda, you can beat this thing. You simply must. Think of my career, would you?
MK: butt theyr fat jellus haterz!
OB: But if I can’t get their fat jealous asses in the seats my career is over, isn’t it?
MK: don worie orlee, ill tayke kare of yoo. i wuz tha forth hyest payd modul in tha wurld las yeer.
OB: You’ve got to stop telling people that.
MK: fif? sixf?
OB: Miranda, you made thirty two thousand dollars last year, gross.
MK: butt im abowt too haf mye braykout momint. jus won mor pap seshin an dayvee jonz wil kom craulin bak fer shur.
OB: You are completely out of control with the pap sessions! It’s become a crutch! Please, don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be. One day at a time, right? Now promise me, no more blogs, fansites or message boards. Promise?
OB: Tell you what. If you promise to go cold turkey I’ll let you have sex with me tonight. What do you say?
MK: *snif* rilly?
OB: *sigh* Yes, sure, why not? Now let’s just slip discreetly out the back, shall we?
MK: o orlee, u r sutch a swiethart. HAY EVREEWON WEER GOINK OWT THA BAK FOLOW MEE!
OB: Find your happy place…find your happy place….
Yeah…that’s the stuff!