You’ve seen her on the runway, on the cover of fashion magazines, and of course on the arm of A-list Hollywood actor Orlando Bloom. Now, in an internet exclusive, international supermodel Miranda Kerr has graciously accepted our invitation to sit down and have a frank heart to heart with our own Wanda Rizzuto. Miranda speaks out against her critics who say she’s nothing but a low-down, dirty, famewhoring, opportunistic, conniving, wily no-talent, brainless slut.
WR: Hello Miranda, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit with me.
MK: ur verie welkom wanda!
WR: First, I want to congratulate you on your recent success with Victoria’s Secret and David Jones. How does it feel to be the face of Australia’s favorite department store?
MK: o! i wuz so eksited wen i got tha kontrack! but not as exsited as me mum kause she yoused to luv tha monkeez wen she wuz a gurl, althow i thinck she rathur likd peeter torck.
WR: Oh. When I was doing my research for this interview I went to the David Jones website and I was surprised to find that they were using another model in their latest campaign. Megan Gale, is it?
MK: o that? don worrie abowt that. i wuz jus sik that day. meygan gail iz a verie nyce gurl tho (an shee lov u long tyme if u now wat i meen).
WR: So, let’s talk about your upcoming book. It’s geared towards young girls, and it’s about health and nutrition, is that right?
MK: yess thats rite wanda, it wuz goink to bee kawled “Treshure Urself”, but i haf chaynged tha tytle to “Treshure Urself, unles ur nayme iz jaded, akeelerz, alegria, slapparr, joders, meygan gail, aydriyana leema, dukati, zew lew, ilikecara, cara, sady joe, frow frow, kait boswurth, tha hole staf at tha daley telagraf, periz hyltin, jus jarid, anyhoo and ezpechilly that fuking bitsch annrz skribownia” cause all thos peeple r fat jellis haterz.
WR: Anners? But Anners is a close personal friend of mine and she’s a lovely person.
MK: she sedd i lyke to eet kowala giblittez an i walk doun tha runweigh on all fors.
WR: Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
MK: an she also sed i had blod on mye paws from mye last kil. it wuz jus red nale polisch!
MK: she iz so dum an wat r u laffing at anyweigh?
WR: I’m terribly sorry. Let’s talk about your boyfriend, Orlando Bloom.
MK: im verie sorrie i kant talk abowt him.
WR: Oh cut the crap.
MK: ok jus this one tyme.
WR: There’s been a lot of controversy about the latest marriage rumors that hit the tabloids last weekend. Some people are saying that you made the whole thing up to garner publicity for your upcoming Victoria’s Secret show. What have you got to say about that?
MK: it iznt tru. i downt noe anythink abowt that. shur, it wood of bin nyce if tha girlz at o-luv all chiped in to bye mee that silvur playted monnagrammd dingo dish from petzmart but oh wel. i kleered it all up rite aweigh tho. im sorrie for all tha konfushion, i ment no disrespekt.
WR: I see. Orlando sure did seem angry about that rumor though. What’s he really like anyway?
MK: he iz a perfeck gentlmann an he iz verie swiet an luving. jus btween us grilz, sometimez wen weer beink intamate he speekz two mee in tha langwidge of tru luv, Eye-talian.
WR: You don’t say.
MK: yess. y, jus tha othr nyte we wer in tha fynal throws of pashion wen al of a suddin he skreemed out VIGGO! nowe isn’t that rowmantik?
MK: orlie sed that viggo meenz my prety littul butturflie.
MK: hay, ur huzban iz Eye-talian, ryte? does he evr speek to u in tha languidge of luv?
WR: No. No he doesn’t.
MK: i didnt think sow.
WR: Moving right along, let’s talk about something that’s a little…touchy. Is that OK?
MK: yess, i tol u i wantid to set tha rekord strate.
WR: OK. How can I put this? There are those in the fandom that say that you not only surf the Orlando Bloom fansites to read about yourself, but that you in fact post yourself under several fake identities. They also claim that your mother, brother, and many of your friends follow suit. Is this true?
MK: of korse not. anywon woo sayz that iz jus a fat jellis hater. i am to bizzy to wayst tyme on tha internetz. do yoo noe that somwon akshually goze on jus jarid an sayz sheez mee an that i hav piktchurz of orlie wif a donkie? kan yoo beeleev that? i wondur whoo that iz.
WR: I’m sure I don’t know.
MK: wel, thos peeple r sow ugalie an meen spiretid. thay r jus tryeing to rooin mye gud nayme bekaus im verie seksy an famose. itz all lyze i tel yoo, lyze!
WR: If you say so. But I must ask, what do you have to say about this particular comment:
3/19 — 7.48 PM You know, you girls amaze me.You are STILL here posting,
> how ******* sad- Orlando Bloom is nothing but a piece of sh!t- but maybe
> you all would like to have a guy who sexually humilates you by forcing you
> more or less to have anal sex, that films it happening, that and most the
> sex you have and telling you what a ***** you are and will only have sex
> with you in the Doggy dingo position. Yeah, such a sweetheart!! I was fooled by
> him TOTALLY, and for the record, he has had about 85 sexual partners.
> Before you start calling names, think about the man involved.
> You all still need a ******* life you sad ugly ******* !
WR: Well? What do you have to say about that Miranda? Was that really you posting? Miranda?
MK: itz fun to ekspres urself wif a bit of cullah.
WR: Excuse me?
MK: i sed, itz fun to ekspres urself wif a bit of cullah.
WR: But what does that mean?
MK: i don noe, thats wat thos dayvey jonez peeple sed to say wen i got a hard kwestshun.
WR: Well, there you have it fowks, er, folks. Do you have anything you’d like to add before we sign off Miranda?
MK: yess, tel annrz i noe wher shee livz.
WR: Thanks again for your time Miranda, and good luck with your show.
MK: tha plezure wuz all myne wanda.
(Editor’s note: sorry if there were misspellings, no way am I putting this bitch through spell check.)