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Dear Orlando,

So, I hear your boy Johnny Depp has signed on for the fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean.  Everyone keeps pointing out how you and Keira Knightly swore up and down that you were done with the series.  Hey, it doesn’t matter to me because if you want to know the truth I never could sit through the second one.  The third time around I didn’t even try.  If it makes you feel any better I can watch you get nekkid in Troy til the cows come home.  Hmmm…Troy….

What was I saying?  Oh yeah, Pirates.  Um, no offense, but are you sure you don’t want to take that job?  I hate to be the one to point this out but you haven’t exactly worked lately.  And it’s only going to get worse.  Have you seen this

I hope you don’t mind, but I have some career suggestions for you.  You know, just in case.

Alternative Careers for Washed-Up Movie Actors:

1.  Join the cast of an Australian kiddie show.

 
HI-5
 ^ Your face here

2.  Sell high quality Tom Bosely-endorsed merchandise on the Internet.  I’m looking into this myself, let me know if you want to go halvesies.

3.  Run for Vice President of the United States.  You’re qualified.  Trust me.

4.  Become the boy toy of a slightly overweight middle-aged married black woman.  Please note that this is a non-paying position.

5.  Hire yourself out as a beard.  OK, this is a tricky one.  I know you’re sort of already doing this.  But seriously?  It’s making you look like a wussie.  (I was going to say another word that rhymes with wussie but never mind.)  Maybe you should upgrade.  At least get someone people have heard of, right?  Perhaps a Playmate or a porn actress?

6.   Poke fun at yourself in a credit report commercial.  But you should probably wait to see how it works out for Ed McMahon first.

That’s all I have for now.  If you need any more advice I’m right down the block.

Yours,

Wanda

 

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40 Comments

  1. Ha! Hey, if Ed McMahon can be a rapper then there is hope for Oral B yet 😛

    I ♥ the title of this post btw 😀

  2. Also, Wanda – is your butt shrinking on your banner up there?
    Not that I come here to stare at it or anything… um, but it def looks smaller 😉

  3. Yes, my butt is on a diet. 😛

    Kidding, it’s the same old butt.

  4. There’s so much I want to say, yet none of it polite or appropriate.

    I’m glad someone else sees Orly as talentless. He fits perfectly on a list with Chris Tucker.

    He could get a role on Queer as Folk if they bring it back. That wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.

  5. The fangirls are soooo gonna kick your ass for that one Stevo.

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 25, 2008 at 6:53 pm
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    Stevo is sooo rude. Can’t he be banned from commenting on Orlando Posts? Hee.

    Orly should definitely pick number four. It’s not like he needs the money.

    … why no pictures? I need some Orly pics.

    Do you ever stumble across those posts on JJ about erectile dysfuntion for men with spinal injuries. Those crack me up… why am I talking about this?

  6. Yes, I’ve seen those Anners. I thought I’d die laughing!

    I’ll try to find some pics for you.

  7. BTW Anners, are you “Gunnedah Hobag” on JJ? If not you’d better get over there and slap them with a copyright violation for using your lingo.

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 25, 2008 at 7:36 pm
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    I am indeed Gunnedah Hobag. They erased my comment, though. Arses.

    Nevermind about the pics. I just purloined some from O-love.

  8. What do you mean? It was there a minute ago. I’m Miranda Kerr, btw. Sometimes I just get so bored….

  9. Well, he’s pretty… but can he type?

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 25, 2008 at 7:41 pm
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    My bad. No they did not erase my comment. Bless their hearts.

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 25, 2008 at 7:43 pm
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    Your cigarette comment was stellar.

  10. He doesn’t have to type to be my bitch Tigereye.

  11. Did you see the one I left on the other thread? Sooooo bored.

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 25, 2008 at 8:05 pm
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    no! What other thread? Link me or something.

  12. Or he could become a sperm donor and then come out of the closet like Clay Gayken. And then we could pretend to be shocked and hurt.

  13. And by “shocked and hurt” you mean happy and relieved, right glamma?

    Here you go Anners:
    http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/09/10/orlando-bloom-scott-free/comment-page-4/#comments

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 25, 2008 at 9:14 pm
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    That page almost put me into hysterics.

    “You guys really have no idea! Miranda is beautiful inside and out. Don’t hate on her because she is sweet. Just because she’s nice you call her fake. Just because she’s dating Orlando you say she’s a fame *****. (did it ever cross your mind that maybe they fell in love?! people in the limelight can actually fall in love you know! and besides she was already famous and had a victoria’s secret contract before she had even met Orlando) Just because its her job to get interviews when she’s under contract with David jones and Victoria’s Secret you bash on her every word when the interviewers always ask stupid questions…”

    ^ someone’s wetodded.

    Hee hee. “What’s a kasting cowch?”

    Can you tell I’m BORED OUT OF MY MIND?

  14. Word on the street is that that’s really the dingo cleverly disguised as a disinterestd fangirl.

    Janey just broke my mouse. You wanna buy a baby?

  15. Yep. I’d rather he be gay than to pretend he enjoys shagging that feral beast.

  16. Number 3 is brilliant!

    I would watch Johnny Depp read the phone book while dressed as Captain Jack, so consider me signed up to see number four

  17. I dibs Janey! She likes cats and hats, it’s fate. 🙂

  18. I’ve decided not to sell her just yet Sissy. Right after she broke the mouse she said she was sorry and very cutely read me The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Even though she can’t read.

    Check back with me tomorrow.

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted September 26, 2008 at 12:27 am
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    I’ll take Janey, but I’m certainly not forking over any cash. Times is rough, yo!

    You’ve been tagged, mofo:

    http://harkwhogoesthere.wordpress.com/2008/09/25/i-have-an-idear/

  19. Johnny Depp and Orlando are a little to girly for my tastes, but if LFC changes her mind, you can send Janey my way anytime.

  20. Um, cross # 1 off your list Wanda. You have to be able to sing and dance to be in Hi-5.

  21. Hey, can any of you guys take her Sunday? My babysitter flaked on me.

    Thanks a lot for the tag Anners. I mean it.

  22. Joders, how do you know he can’t sing and dance?

  23. You made me go to JJ again.

    You shall pay for this!

  24. Why don’t we all just admit that we are powerless against the greatness that is JJ? I don’t know who Jared is, but he is a genius at attracting the most psychotic fangirls on the internet. Have you ever visited the Tom Cruise threads? Or the Brangelina ones? Oh, you must.

  25. OK, but you have to put a sticker on her for me. A cat one. Gawd, I miss having the Very Hungry Caterpillar read to me by a non-reader. Nowadays I get Hank Zipzer and Calvin and Hobbes.

  26. Solid advice. You should be a career counselor.

  27. I can take her Sunday, but when you get her back she’ll be singing “Jesus Loves Me”, and saying things like amen and halleluiah. 😉

  28. Wanda, the man has little or no inflection in his speaking voice or when he “acts”. Hmmm, maybe he sounds like James Blunt when he sings. And he doesn’t look like he’s co-ordinated enough to dance. He’ll be perfect for Saturday Night Fever – The Millenium Years.

  29. Shawn, it’ll be just like she went to Grandma’s!

  30. I’ll take care of little Janey if you pay the airfare. After a long winter the hot weather is kicking in.

  31. I liked all of these. I wonder which one he’ll choose?

  32. I do hope he gets a new movie but I never like Will Turner just Jack Sparrow. I wish I can see him again as Legolas

  33. i like movie actors that are not only good looking but can play a lot of differient roles :;*


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  1. […] is a very popular gal – follow her employment saga. Wanda continues to write letters to Orlando Bloom, discussing his career, or lack thereof. Kathleen has kicked off her new blog, on her own domain, […]

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