So, I hear your boy Johnny Depp has signed on for the fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. Everyone keeps pointing out how you and Keira Knightly swore up and down that you were done with the series. Hey, it doesn’t matter to me because if you want to know the truth I never could sit through the second one. The third time around I didn’t even try. If it makes you feel any better I can watch you get nekkid in Troy til the cows come home. Hmmm…Troy….
What was I saying? Oh yeah, Pirates. Um, no offense, but are you sure you don’t want to take that job? I hate to be the one to point this out but you haven’t exactly worked lately. And it’s only going to get worse. Have you seen this?
I hope you don’t mind, but I have some career suggestions for you. You know, just in case.
Alternative Careers for Washed-Up Movie Actors:
1. Join the cast of an Australian kiddie show.
2. Sell high quality Tom Bosely-endorsed merchandise on the Internet. I’m looking into this myself, let me know if you want to go halvesies.
3. Run for Vice President of the United States. You’re qualified. Trust me.
4. Become the boy toy of a slightly overweight middle-aged married black woman. Please note that this is a non-paying position.
5. Hire yourself out as a beard. OK, this is a tricky one. I know you’re sort of already doing this. But seriously? It’s making you look like a wussie. (I was going to say another word that rhymes with wussie but never mind.) Maybe you should upgrade. At least get someone people have heard of, right? Perhaps a Playmate or a porn actress?
6. Poke fun at yourself in a credit report commercial. But you should probably wait to see how it works out for Ed McMahon first.
That’s all I have for now. If you need any more advice I’m right down the block.