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I am totally devastated.  I came to the library to check on my friends and blogmates and found this comment on one of my older posts:

Hi,
I ask myself: WHY ON EARTH are you so much after Orlando Bloom? Why are there so many Fan-Sites discussing about him all the time? What do you all want to reach with it? Meeting him? Get his attention?
Be realistic: you will never, simply because you are FANS. He is thankful to you, because you guarantee him his Life-Style, his roles etc. He needs you in a way, of course. But – sorry to tell you this – personally he is not interested in any of you! And he will never be. Do you really think that he would fall for one of you ever? No, simply because you are A FAN.
You are all the peasantry, HE on the other hand is a “Prince”. Today it is the same as with Royals in the Middle Ages. As an A-List celebrtiy, he became something that is not reachable for us any longer. Royals stay among themselves, Celebrity stay among themselves.
He might still be a nice guy personally, but still would never hang around with folks like you are. Just look at all his friends: most of them are Celebrities themselves. Just look at his Girlfriends: Kate was an actress, Miranda is a Top-Model. Do you think that you can compete with that? It sounds hard, but Orlando is just looking for girls that are in his own league. If you are not famous yourself, you have NO chance!
Why would you want his Phone-number? What would you say to him???!!! Do you wonder, why he is not replying to your fan-mail? Simply because he never reads any of it. His fan-mail team even says that they have to bin most of the mail because there is so much and that these letter can’t be read by him.
I know he got mail at the Duke of Yorks and letters that were given to him personally remained unopened on the floor of his wardrobe. He never opened them. You can’t blame him.
Have you all thought about how you make him feel? He is a human being and by all the hype..what in the very end are you doing to him? He more and more wants his distance. The more you want to be near him, the further he will part from the “regular” world, from regular people!
Don’t wonder why he does not reply to your mail, while he has no projects. He does not want to waste his time reading Fan-mails full of “I love you”s from girls he has not even seen in his life, – when he can be with Miranda. He is with Miranda in his PRIVATE LIFE and spends his time with her or his own family. Leave him that!
And how do you know that you would really like him? Only because he has nice eyes and a cute smile? You don’t know him in person, maybe he was something complete different from what you think he is. He is no Will Turner, or no Balian etc… These are Roles only, and those characters are the ones you love, not Orlando. You don’t know who Orlando is.
And so you can’t love him. Stop saying that all the time. The word Love is a very strong word that should not be played with.
When you say it too often and careless, it can lose its meaning forever. And to Orlando it means less and less, it is only a phrase, nothing more…

And Autographs are nice to have,…but in the very end they are only cold pieces of paper. Only some material thing. A signature that could be signed by anyone, or something that he never had in his own hand, but came from some printer.

So if you want an autograph, fine. Write and ask the mail-office for one. They send them out every day. But don’t expect Orlando wanting to know any of it. Therefore he has a Fan-mail team. To deal with all the mail that he wants to be left alone with.

I…don’t know what to say.  I never, ever imagined that Orlando wouldn’t care about me.  I’m his fan!  Don’t you think he owes me something?  And I’m so sure I would love him, I mean, he’s obviously a caring and sensitive man.  Didn’t anyone see Elizabethtown?

I have no purpose.

(By the way, I have something to tell anyone out there who thinks I really hope to have 36 minutes of nasty sex with Orlando, or that my husband would actually let me if I had the chance, or that I’m really sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.  Ready?  Everything I write on this blog is a joke.  It’s a gd fucking joke.  The people who comment here and give me advice on how to find him?  They’re joking too.  Get it?)

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23 Comments

  1. Wheeeee! Somebody’s got a serious case of crankypants.

    Honestly, Wanda, if you can’t be living large and in lust with your favorite little slaggy filmboy then what’s the point of life??? It’s not like you wanted the ho-meister all for yourself. I mean I know you’d be willing to kiss n tell with the other slutcrackers (thanks, Anna, for THAT phrase).

    Just because some sessually frustrated poster wants to crank on your parade, it doesn’t mean crap. And she’s wrong. Whorely lurves you, even if he doesn’t know you. Loves the attention, loves the thrill of knowing that he’s got alternatives for when he finally dumps the dingo. In fact he’s probably counting on the fact. How lucky is he that all he has to do is pick a scented envelope out of the huge pile of mail on the floor of his wardrobe and voila!instant booty call. Just don’t spray your envelope with Heavenly Kiss cuz it might make him spew.

    SadieJo

  2. Oh, and I forgot to add: I’m thinking of asking for those same pink striped PJ’s for my birthday. You might want to order them too, you know…..just in case you do get THAT call.

  3. It seems your work at JJ has paid off, comment on the Sarajevo posts reads as follows:
    james @ 08/19/2008 at 2:38 pm

    haha you just know that this film is going straight to DVD, this guy couldn’t even open up an envelope let alone a movie

    Good Job Wanda!

  4. So how does this person know he had unopened mail by his room?

  5. Wow. I can’t believe that someone took the time to type up that long of a comment. And if you read it closely, the whole thing says volumes about the person who posted it — trying to convince himself/herself of something. What a mess of confused verbosity. (I’m thinking this prolix person should get a blog of their own and not hijack yours…)

  6. This person is clearly pissed at the fact that you’ve managed to cleverly spoof a lot of the craziness going on in his fandom without going the “jellus fat h8ter” route. I say keep up the good work! Love you or hate you, people are still taking the time out to read your blog and that’s what matters in the end.

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted August 19, 2008 at 7:05 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    Hahahhahahahhahahahhahahaha. That was insane. I think it was Mayfrayn.

    Im more disturbed that you failed to respond to my comment on that old post.
    😦

    P.S. The reason Orlando never reads his fan mail is because he doesn’t know how to read.

  7. I personally liked how she called us all the peasantry. This explains why I am currently suffering from the Bubonic plague and will prolly not live another 24 hours 🙂

    • Anners Scribonia Caesar
    • Posted August 20, 2008 at 12:45 am
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    Oh yes, Peasantry!

    I’m off to prepare some gruel for supper.

  8. he so owes all of us…. as you said wanda – Elizabethtown is reason enough for pay back time lol

  9. Just got my Orlando Bloom google alert for today and there it was for the world to see “Terrible News…Orlando Doesn’t Want Me! …by Wanda”

    Still laughing. Wanda, you’re the best!
    SJ

  10. Yeah, I liked “peasantry” too. Can’t say much for her making much sense but she used a big word! Gotta give ‘er a point.

  11. I’d rather be an Orly loving peasant like Wanda than a humourless bytch who appears to have had her brain removed surgically through her nose.

  12. And the answer to the question “Didn’t anybody see ‘Elizabethtown’?” is — no. Not even the people IN Elizabethtown. Hi Sissy! 🙂

  13. Hey, you’re home! And from that absurd missive above, I take it you’re giving sense-of-humor lessons now, starting with the oaf that wrote that little speechoid. Good luck. You’re terrific, but some people can’t be helped.

  14. BTW, was that written by the “pro-Hillary Clinton” “person” we’ve seen ’round here? Or could another person be out there taking him/her/itself that seriously?

  15. Admit it, Wanda: You are in Orly’s employ.

    There aren’t really any fan boards, no fan girls, simply because he has no fans. It’s all a clever scheme by those in the Bloom camp to keep the career of a badly aging star alive.

    He probably writes all the posts on those boards. He has more alters than people on the orange site we were formerly associated with.

    I can see The Smoking Gun exclusive: The Orly Conspiracy. I can’t wait….

  16. Sigh. I’m completely disillusioned, Wanda. I’ll have to find someone who really loves Orlando now.

  17. I think it’s the Dingo. She feels threatened by your power, Wanda.

    I mean, she referred to Miranda as a “top model.” It’s totally the Dingo.

  18. Are you sure it’s a joke? Because I was deadly serious, girl.

    You’ve been out in the wilderness too long…

    🙂

  19. Kathleen, try his mom.

    Vy, do you thing she speaks/writes English? Not just dingoese?

  20. I wantz me a new entree on diz blog… I needz mai doze of Wanderrrs naaauuuuu

    (been reading lolcats lately)

  21. Wow. I never thought Miranda could write so articulately. Someone had to have written this for her. Or maybe she translated it from dingoese. Does Google translate have a Dingo to English button?


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