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What was I thinking?

I told you guys a couple of months back that I quit my job, bought a house upstate and was downsizing my life.  Well, after a few home buying-related hitches I’m finally outta here.  The good news is that, as predicted, they haven’t found a replacement for me at work yet.  This means that I’ll still be working for them indefinitely, although I’ll be working remotely and in my pajamas.  And I’ll be getting paid.  Yay for me.  The bad news is that I’m leaving NYC.

Crazy, isn’t it?  I’ve been planning this for the longest time and I felt pretty good about it.  I know I’m doing the right thing for the Rizzutos too, this city isn’t in their blood the way it is mine.  Still, I feel sad.  Thursday was my “official” last day, but I didn’t really feel like I was leaving since I’m still on call and on the payroll.  Nobody cried or anything, probably because I kept telling them I’d be back in a few weeks to do some stuff.  The truth is, I hate goodbyes, so this was the perfect way for me to slip out.

After I left work I went shopping for…something.  I started heading downtown and after 5 or 10 minutes I decided to just keep walking.  I don’t know why really, I kept telling myself I was going to go downtown to see if I could find a Thin Lizzy shirt.  At one point I found myself standing there on Broadway with tears in my eyes.  It probably had something to do with the fact that I was on my old stomping grounds.  And in Former Serious Boyfriend territory.

I couldn’t believe I was leaving my beloved city.  I left once before but that was only for school so I knew I’d be coming back frequently.  This is different.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live here again.  I’d have to be a gazillioaire to give my kids the kind of life I had when I was growing up here.  New York, as I once knew it, is dead.  So why am I sad?  And scared shitless?

The next day was Janey’s last day with her sitter.  She’s been going to the same caretaker since she was a little more than a year old.  I refused to go pick her up because, as you know, I hate goodbyes and I had a feeling this was going to be a bad one.  I made Mr. Rizzuto do it.  For a couple of hours afterwards I didn’t say anything.  Finally curiosity got the better of me and I asked him how it went.  He said that C. seemed sad, and that when they left C. hugged Janey and told her that she loved her.  They must have had a pretty strong bond, he said.  I guess you could say C. was almost like a third parent. 

After that I just felt like crying.  But I’m doing the right thing, that’s what I keep telling myself.  A good mother should always be willing to leave behind everything that’s familiar, move 3 hours away, give up half her income to be a soccer mom, right?

Right?

(Oh, the point of this post…I might not be around much for a bit.  Apologies for not visiting your excellent blogs.  Do me a favor?  Don’t go anywhere.  Strangely enough, besides the Rizzutos our little interweb family is the only familiar thing in my life at the moment.  Sorry for the maudlin ramble.)

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20 Comments

  1. Listen, I was in NYC for all of one day and I see the appeal. I would have a hard time leaving, too.

    But it will be there for visiting.

    I guess I’ll have to come up and take you out for a weekend of NYC fun. For purely therapeutic reasons, of course. Wouldn’t want you to start having withdrawal symptoms…

    Have a nice move!

  2. I hope your move goes smoothly. You’ll be so busy with the packing and unpacking and settling that you wont’ have a chance to miss NYC much. I hope.

    I know about moves. I know about goodbyes.

    It’ll get better.

  3. Damn, you are so lucky.

  4. {{{Sissy}}} Moving is horrible, you can have the best reasons in the world and it’s still horrible. I think it’s good that you can keep on consulting for a while, that’ll help make the transition easier. And you’ll have an excuse to go back when you have something to compare it to. 🙂

  5. You’ll love the move to the ‘burbs and grieve leaving the city. I did it myself, about 3 years ago.

    This really moved me. I really felt your grief.

  6. Poor Wanda.

    I hope you have a swell move and all.

    *Cyber Hug*

  7. I’m sorry. I know that’s got to be tough, moving away from a place you love (it’s never happened to me, which, oddly, is how I know it must be pretty hard). I hope the new place will be just as much like home to you before long, although I can’t picture you as a soccer mom!…

  8. Wishing you the best in the move. I’ve moved five times in the six years I’ve been married, so I feel your pain. (It is a good opportunity to get rid of superfluous items, though.) I have no doubt that you’ll make wonderful friends quickly in your new home.

  9. Awww, how moving! I dealt with the same feelings when I went into the military. I stayed away from my city for so long that when I finally came back, I couldn’t cope. Everything was too fast for me. Take advantage of your visits to the city when you go.

  10. Hugs to you, sweetie. I know it sucks when you know you’re right and it hurts anyway.

  11. Lots of love and lots of hugs to you Wanda. I still live 10 minutes away from my family home and where I grew up so I can only begin to imagine your emotional state right now.

    Having moved 3 times in the last 2 years I can agree with Caniad. Moving is the perfect opportunity to have a good clear out. I remember unpacking some stuff recently, looking at it and thinking “why the hell did I think it necessary to keep this?”.

    Hard as it is at the moment, it will get easier. And you can be sure in the knowledge that we aren’t going anywhere. So whenever you feel a little off kilter, we’ll be here to hold you up.

  12. good luck wanda 🙂 I’m sure you will love it when you get there – they say a change is as good as a rest …….(though i’m not sure they included the hellish practical nightmare of moving in that one when they wrote that……)

  13. Awww you’ve lived there your whole life and now you’re moving. You must be feeling very sentimental.

    I can’t wait to move but I’d be devasted if my parents moved away and I didn’t have my home to visit anymore.

  14. Just keep telling yourself how much better off you will be out of that nasty, crime ridden city. The kids will be so much happier in the ‘burbs.
    You’re a tough chick, you’ll be okay, and it’s not like you can’t visit some.
    Oh, did you ever find the Thin Lizzy shirt, I dig them from way back.
    Much love.

  15. Thanks guys, I’ll be OK I guess.

    Never did find the Thin Lizzy shirt though JoJo.

  16. Um, ditto everyone else? Positive thoughts and mental hugs coming your way.

  17. Oh, and you should totally have an internet yard sale of crap you don’t want anymore. Let your friends have a shot at stuff before it goes to Goodwill! 🙂 (Like we need more stuff.)

  18. Best of luck with the move, Wanda!

    Your internet community will still be here for you when you get everything sorted. 🙂

  19. Here’s to you, Wanda. I wish you all the luck. New places are exciting. You can find all the cool stuff and horde it, doling it out to visitors that are worthy.

  20. Have a good time moving, I hate moving only becuase im lazy and I hate ti pack my junk up and label and organize crap,good luck.


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