What was I thinking?
I told you guys a couple of months back that I quit my job, bought a house upstate and was downsizing my life. Well, after a few home buying-related hitches I’m finally outta here. The good news is that, as predicted, they haven’t found a replacement for me at work yet. This means that I’ll still be working for them indefinitely, although I’ll be working remotely and in my pajamas. And I’ll be getting paid. Yay for me. The bad news is that I’m leaving NYC.
Crazy, isn’t it? I’ve been planning this for the longest time and I felt pretty good about it. I know I’m doing the right thing for the Rizzutos too, this city isn’t in their blood the way it is mine. Still, I feel sad. Thursday was my “official” last day, but I didn’t really feel like I was leaving since I’m still on call and on the payroll. Nobody cried or anything, probably because I kept telling them I’d be back in a few weeks to do some stuff. The truth is, I hate goodbyes, so this was the perfect way for me to slip out.
After I left work I went shopping for…something. I started heading downtown and after 5 or 10 minutes I decided to just keep walking. I don’t know why really, I kept telling myself I was going to go downtown to see if I could find a Thin Lizzy shirt. At one point I found myself standing there on Broadway with tears in my eyes. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was on my old stomping grounds. And in Former Serious Boyfriend territory.
I couldn’t believe I was leaving my beloved city. I left once before but that was only for school so I knew I’d be coming back frequently. This is different. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live here again. I’d have to be a gazillioaire to give my kids the kind of life I had when I was growing up here. New York, as I once knew it, is dead. So why am I sad? And scared shitless?
The next day was Janey’s last day with her sitter. She’s been going to the same caretaker since she was a little more than a year old. I refused to go pick her up because, as you know, I hate goodbyes and I had a feeling this was going to be a bad one. I made Mr. Rizzuto do it. For a couple of hours afterwards I didn’t say anything. Finally curiosity got the better of me and I asked him how it went. He said that C. seemed sad, and that when they left C. hugged Janey and told her that she loved her. They must have had a pretty strong bond, he said. I guess you could say C. was almost like a third parent.
After that I just felt like crying. But I’m doing the right thing, that’s what I keep telling myself. A good mother should always be willing to leave behind everything that’s familiar, move 3 hours away, give up half her income to be a soccer mom, right?
(Oh, the point of this post…I might not be around much for a bit. Apologies for not visiting your excellent blogs. Do me a favor? Don’t go anywhere. Strangely enough, besides the Rizzutos our little interweb family is the only familiar thing in my life at the moment. Sorry for the maudlin ramble.)