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Dear Orlando,

I have to tell you something.  I’m sick.  Of you.

Dude.  When I first started stalking you I thought maybe we could have some fun times when Mr. Rizzuto went to Atlantic City.  You know, you, me, a Troy DVD and an electronic device or two.  All fun and games.  I didn’t sign on to watch a Victoria’s Secret commercial.  I sure as hell didn’t sign on to watch you follow some bimbo all over the face of the earth.  It was funny at first, now it’s just annoying and tiresome.  I’m out.

I’m dumping you.  Not only am I dumping you, but per Joders’ suggestion I’m joining a convent.  In fact, I’m starting my own order.  I am now a Nodingolite nun.  I’m Catholic anyway, so my mom will be pleased.

I haven’t really worked out all of the rules of our order yet.  All I know is that every time I hear about you cavorting with the dingo I’m going to say 75 Our Father’s and 250 Hail Mary’s.  (I’m not really that worried though because I stopped reading my Google alerts about you and I’ve sworn off the message boards).  I might self-flagellate too, I haven’t really decided about that yet.  Oh, and I think I’ll invent some cool alcohol like the Benedictine monks.  I might as well do something while I’m doing nothing. 

And I’m taking a vow of ignorance.  This is crucial, pay careful attention.  Every time I see a mention of you and the dingo I’m going to pretend neither of you exist.  I guess that means we won’t be seeing much of each other since following your dingo around is the only job you’ve had lately.  Don’t call me. 

I’m just a novice right now.  If I find out you’re in Australia with that hobag doing a David Jones meet and greet I’m taking my final vows and cloistering myself.  I might even take it back old school and brush up on my Latin.  I’ll pray for you.  You’re welcome.

Spiritually yours,

Sister Mary Wanda

P.S.  If anyone out there is feeling sorry for Mr. Rizzuto, don’t.  Right now he’s looking for a ruler for me to beat him with.

P.P.S.  The Nodingolite order is open to fangirls of any persuasion.  Interpol fans are welcome.

 

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49 Comments

  1. Dear Sister Mary Wanda

    What do I have to do to join your Nodingolite order? And am I still able to continue to pen my extremely amusing fiction?

    I’m all for developing our own alcoholic beverage. For medicinal purposes only of course. I’m not sure about the self flagellation, but I’d sure like to beat some sense into Orlando right now. Will I be allowed to do that under the rules of our order?

    I look forward to your favourable response.

    Yours in anticipation

    Joders

  2. mmmmm, nun-sex. thats hot.

  3. That was one rockin’ dear John letter, Wanda. I would have been more cruel.

  4. I think I’ve made my point Pan.

    Joders, you don’t have to do anything. Just pray for Orlando’s heathen soul. Bless you.

  5. Is there gonna be a uniform for us? Please let it include a garter!

  6. It’s going to be fun to watch you turn him down when he sees you in the Michelle Obama dress and chases you all over the city. Tell Mr. Rizzo to bring the video camera…

  7. Pater noster qui es in caelis, sanctifecutur nomen tuum… um, I can’t do this! Orly’s too hot to quit.

    Bye.

  8. In nomini patri, et fili, et spiritus sanctus…oh whatever!

    You’re always doing this to me Anners! You egg me on to drop him then you go crawling back! I can’t really do this without your support you know.

  9. Sister Mary Wanda,
    I’ll join your order if I get to shag Ben Barnes in the confessional. Then I can confess to him how much I enjoyed his oui oui! (Sorry Anners)

  10. You may, my child.

  11. Sister Mary Wanda, as you know, I was raised Catholic, but haven’t practiced in eons. Now I have a reason to. The Nodingolite convent, well, it’s returned me to my faith. May I join your order?

  12. Yes dear.

  13. Sister Mary Wanda,

    With all due respect, you suck for saying that glamma_puss can shag Ben Barnes.

    I think I’m up for joining again, though.

    Me and my mood swings.

  14. Oh man, I now the coolest picture of you in my mind. You- self flagellating in your Catholic schoolgirl dress.

    hehehe.
    you should have known better.

  15. sorry, that should read ” I now have the coolest picture.”

    I was distracted.

  16. The first paragraph was too hilarious.

    Can atheists join? I’ll never have to worry about my chunky legs in those nun outfits.

  17. Sister wanda,

    I too would like to join the nodingolite order – i feel i have the necessary credentials, and unhealthy over interest in whorlando and a positively allergic reaction to anything dingo related

    yours expectantly

    Slapparr

  18. Hang on just a second there! If glamma_puss gets to shag Ben Barnes in the confessional, then Anners and I are going to shag him on the pews, behind the pulpit and underneath the font. I considered doing it on the font, but I was worried we’d fall and hurt ourselves.

    While we’re at it, there’s also the chancel and the altar.

    We need something to keep our minds off Orly. Ben seems as good a distraction as anything. Chanting in Latin is only going to work for so long.

  19. OK, OK, everyone can join. Janers can be Mother Superior.

    Joders, I thought you didn’t like Ben? I can’t keep up with this crap, go ahead and shag him. I’ll pray for all of you.

  20. thank you sister wanda – so its ben barnes we need to shag in order to achieve enlightenment of spirit within the order – can we open up the field a bit, I’m not convinced about him, plus it sounds like he might be a bit busy 😀

    maybe i should stick to the latin until i’m better acquainted!

    “domine pax whorli, requiem aeternam Dingo”

  21. Good job Slapparr. I’ll make that my new tagline.

  22. Did u just say I could be mother superior? I don’t know what that is but it sounds good.

  23. Hmmm…there’s a part of me that always wanted to be a nun, and this might be the very order that I’ve been looking for.

  24. When you drop out of the order, can I have your wimple for my pool hall?

  25. What makes you think I’m going to drop out? Am I that transparent?

  26. Damn it, Joders! I wanted dibs on the altar! Sister Mary Wanda, can Bin Bons wear a miter and strangle me with a rosary while shagging me from behind? I want to be his hobby horse!

  27. I’m pretty sure that would be a venial sin at least glamma puss. I’ll get back to you.

  28. Altar wine sucks. If I’m joining I’m gonna need something a lot better tasting. Somebody needs to bless some Dom P. before I rejoin any nun-run circus.

  29. How do you feel about communion mojitos?

  30. What do you mean “re-join”?

  31. ^ hahaa. Yeah, SadieJo. What do you mean re-join? Hahaha.

    Um… can we burn effigies of Mirandingo?

  32. Certainly my child.

  33. Dude, I’m there if I can shag Ben Barnes in the confessional…or anywhere. I’m not even Catholic, but I’d convert for that 😛

  34. Well, I’m a catholic school survivor. I still bear the deep psychological scars of wearing a uniform and attending an all girls school, but I do have one of the best curtsies around (we had to curtsy to the convent nuns all day long).

  35. Oh, and Sister Mary Wanda, I think Communion Mojitos sound fab!

  36. Icarus, I’m sure that taking the Lord’s name in vain whilst shagging Ben Barnes is religious qualification enough join the order of Our Lady of Nodingo.

  37. So long to the I Saw Orli’s Butt (I-sob) group and hello Sister Mary Wanda of the Nodingoite’s.

    Whorely’s bare ass is soooo last month. We’re ovah it! We’ve found religion! Amen.

  38. we’ll have a bar next to the alter. If I’m gonna be mother superior you’ll have to try my special recipe cocktails.

  39. I’m all for the cock-tails, and you guys can have BB for yourselves, shagging him would make me feel like a pedophil. I swear celibacy until St Whorely is free from the shackles of the evvol dingholite.

    Traditional nun uniform is fine with me as long as I can be nekkid underneath. I do wanna wear stilettos though. Is that a problem?

  40. Orly must be exorcised of the dingho in order to save his soul and career.

  41. Quite right.

    I’m with Jaded on this one guys, BB doesn’t do it for me.

  42. Bennie Barnes looks like an impotent altar boy not worthy of any sister of Nodingo.

    I’m with sista Jaded on this one, I’ll wait for Whorely.

  43. glamma_puss, how do we get her poison out of his body? Sucking? Make him sweat it out? Or what? I’m new to exorcism, but I am ready to go through these methods and learn by trial and error. 😉 All in the name of Whorely, of course.

    ps. you’re not commenting on my blog. Repent!

  44. Sucking. Ha.

  45. Through hate, my sisters. The dingho can only thrive where there is excessive adoration for her. Therefore, we must drive the dingho out by punishing Whorely’s body with hate sex. Sprinkle holy water on his oui-oui and ride it into oblivion! Whorely must become our hate phuck!

    This is a very delicate matter though. If not done properly, Whorely’s career will die and suffer eternal damnation on the Z-list.

    (We each 36 mins apiece)

  46. PS. Sister Mary Jaded, please forgive me of my trespasses against you and your blog!

  47. Orli has reported that hes finding it very difficulty to rennounce the Dingo – the short hair cut has not been as successful as had been hoped.

    Sisters! we must rally round, let the hate sex begin and may be a little bit of supportive chanting in Latin? I think the introduction of Ben Barnes at this stage may be counter productive….

    “Salve Orlando, requiem Dingo”

  48. test

  49. I think I just pissed my self reading a week old blog!!!! Sister Mary Wanda, you rock!!!!!


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