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Part I

I could just see the news reports.

Although they have yet to name him as a person of interest, police became suspicious when the victim’s spouse refused to attend her memorial service.

“I want to mourn in private,” said Mr. Rizzuto.  “Is that a problem?”

Mrs. Rizzuto’s body has yet to be found. 

That’s what I imagined when I stood there looking at myself in the dressing room mirror.

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In my head, an epic battle for my soul began.

Evil Wanda:  That dress is hot.

Sensible Wanda:  Who asked you?  Where would I wear it anyway?

Evil Wanda:  Don’t you have a garden party in a couple of weeks?

Sensible Wanda:  You mean the mammal roast?  It isn’t that kind of party.

Evil Wanda:  It looks like you only need to lose about 7 or 8 pounds instead of 20 or 25.

Sensible Wanda:  Thanks.

Evil Wanda:  It’s a part of history.  You can wear it a couple of times and once Obama wins you can sell it on Ebay.  You heard the girl, they’re almost sold out.

Sensible Wanda:  I hate the shoes.

Evil Wanda:  There’s always Payless.

Sensible Wanda:  My tattoo is showing.

Evil Wanda:  There’s always laser surgery.

Sensible Wanda:  That’s your answer to everything!

Maybe Evil Wanda was right.  I tiptoed out of the dressing room to get a better look at myself.  There was a new clerk waitng for me.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“Well…imagine I had a real hairdo,” I said.

“Of course, a real hairdo.”

“And imagine further I shaved my legs and got my toenails did.”

“That dress is hot.”

“It does look pretty good, doesn’t it,” I said. 

I looked around to see if anyone was laughing at me.  No one was.  That was encouraging.  Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.  I remembered hearing somewhere that the dress cost about $125.  I heard you could get it even cheaper online.  If I gave Mr. Rizzuto a little extra attention (if you know what I mean) maybe he wouldn’t notice.

“How much is the dress?” I asked the clerk.  “About $125?”

“No, it’s $148.  It’s a part of history.”

$148.  There aren’t enough Lewinskis in the world.  That was that.  I’ve been known to buy stuff I didn’t need before just to keep the sales clerks from talking about me later, but now was not the time for that.  I had to plan my escape.

“I think I’ll just have another quick look around,” I said.

I pretended to look at some other stuff.  I pointed out that there were similar dresses with nicer patterns.  She suggested I try some of them on.  We chatted back and forth for a bit until I was sure Pushy Loudmouth Salesho’ was on her lunch break (and not hiding behind the counter waiting to pounce). 

“What time do you close?” I asked.

“9 o’clock.  Do you want me to put that on hold for you?”

“Oh, yes.  Wonderful idea.  I have to rush back to work now.”  I had been off work for about 2 hours.

“OK Wanda, it’ll be here for you when you get back.”

“Thanks!” I said.  Then I hauled ass back to Staten Island.

I told Mr. Rizzuto my story and he said I did the right thing.  He said it was too bad though because if I had bought the dress he’d have taken me out to dinner.  He might even have worn a tie.

So what do you think?  Should I go back and buy it?  Have a look at the shoes first:

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(Remeber, shaved legs, tonails, blah blah.)

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25 Comments

  1. “I told Mr. Rizzuto my story and he said I did the right thing. He said it was too bad though because if I had bought the dress he’d have taken me out to dinner. He might even have worn a tie.”

    Quick! Go back and buy it before the effect of his brainwash wears out! Hurry, girl!

  2. I think you should buy it.

    When I was shopping in Sydney once I was looking at all the expensive stuff for fun. Then I feel in love with a $200 dress and it didn’t seem so expensive. I bought it as it was love at first sight, the end of the day, I hadn’t purchased anything else and I had an exam the next day.

    When I got home I thought WTF? why they hell did I spend this much on a dress? I don’t have that money to thro away. It’s made for someone with a smaller chest and I’m too self-conscious to wear it.

    Anyway the morale of the story is this – dress lust can cause u to purchase without thinking but if the dress fits nicely and flatters (which is does) and it’s comfortable (very important) you’ll end up getting your money’s worth. It looks versatile – like u could wear it to a garden wedding or even on a shopping trip when u want to feel special. A hardworking mum of 2 deserves to spoil herself every now and then.

  3. Have you bought the dress yet? I like said u can sell it on ebay when/if you’re over it. Then u can minus the ebay money from the original sales price and divide what’s left by the number of times you wore the dress and voila – It’s a bargain!

    I reckon I could go to the US buy a bunch of clothes and sell them when I get home and pay off my trip. I think stuff over here is priced higher to account for the exchange rate but now our dollars are almost equal so it would be bargain shopping.

  4. did somebody say something about a little extra attention…..

  5. Go back and buy it! You only live once. Besides, if you ran into Our Lord and Savior Orlando Bloom on the street (thanks, Anners!), he might stop you and say, “Excuse me, isn’t that Michelle Obama’s dress? You look HOT in it.”

  6. Forget the dress. Those shoes are bomb-diggity. Go back and get THEM.

  7. But I didn’t like the shoes that much. And I don’t know how much they cost. Probably more than the dress.

  8. If I looked that good in that dress, I’d have bought it.

    The shoes– not something I would have considered, but I have to admit they look good on you! Prolly because you don’t have the crusty feet that I’m used to seeing attached to my ankles…

  9. Mr. Rizzuto is not interested in you in a dress. You are not interested in Mr. Rizzuto in a tie. There’s food in the fridge. The children can’t stay awake forever.

    ’nuff said. 😉

  10. I don’t know. Guys in ties are a turn on for me. I bet wearing the Obama Mama dress is a turn on for some guys. They are probably thinking, THIS is how it feels to take off the clothes of a presidential candidate’s wife!

    Or maybe not.

  11. Hahaa. Tigereye called Orlando ‘Our Lord and Savior’ 🙂

    Get the dress, Wanders! Mr. Rizzuto owes you that much for being a dingo apologist.

  12. Oooh, yes, a sharp dressed man. Luvin’ it! A well tailored three piece suit can trigger my drooling any day. I have no idea if that qualifies as a pavlovian or a freudian reflex.

  13. Good Lord woman, what were you thinking?!

    Get yourself back to that boutique, apologise for not making it back by 9 o’clock and hand over your cash/cheque/credit card, coz you look bloody spectacular!

    Forget about getting some action with Mr Rizzuto, he’ll have to beat back the other men with a stick when he takes you out to dinner.

    I’m not big on the shoes though. I’d try Payless. Last summer at their summer sales I got my Bright Yellow Betty Boop Bowed Peep Toe Satin Stilettos for $49.95 and got another pair of shoes half price.

    Alternatively you could pair the dress with some knee high boots just incase you bump into Orly. I hear he likes it when his conquests leave their boots on while he’s getting down to business, if you catch my drift.

  14. Joders, you paid $50 for a pair of shoes at Payless? I guess Payless in Oz is not the same as here. Or maybe it’s the exchange rate.

  15. Way back in September 07 $50 at Oz Payless would have been maybe $30US. Even with the exchange rate factored in though, stuff is more expensive here. Oz Payless looks exactly like the US Payless that I went to last time I was in the US.

  16. “…I have to rush back to work now.” I had been off work for about 2 hours.

    You’re wonderful, Wanda.

    And the shoe looks good! Back in the Victorian period, that photo would have had men going crazy. 😛

  17. Everything is much cheaper on US sites, because they are often US brands and the exchange rate used to be different. I can’t order it tho coz they don’t ship here and if they do it’s $50 shipping and the u have to pay tariffs and stuff.

    I really want to go on a US shopping trip – too bad about the airfare.

  18. Are you freaking kidding me? Go get the shoes! You don’t need the dress! That’a a pair of CFMs if I ever saw one!

  19. Uh…CFM?

    (Do the last two letters stand for “fuck me” by any chance?)

  20. Yes.

  21. What does the “C” stand for?

  22. come I spose

    Did u buy the dress or not?

  23. I’d look great in that dress. Buy it or I will.

  24. You look hot in that dress! For realz! I want one too.

  25. What’s a tie?


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