Orlando, you suck.
I don’t ask for that much, do I? All I ever wanted was for you to come by my excellent blog and say hi. It’s not like you have a difficult job or anything. All you have to do is put out a movie every now and again and take your clothes off. When was the last time you were nekkid in a movie Orlando? Do you still make movies, or do you just go bouncing around the world with your pet dingo? I’m just asking.
I’m going on a hunger strike. I won’t eat anything until you break up with the dingo. I’m also going to turn in my law degree and enroll at the dingo’s alma mater. I hear you get to keep your magnet if you graduate. Maybe if I stop eating and I lose a couple of tons you’ll like me better. You obviously don’t like women with breasteses.
You know who else sucks? Mr. Rizzuto. I mean, shouldn’t he support me when I want to fark someone? So why does he keep making me Google pictures of the dingo in a bikini? Isn’t that a form of spousal abuse? Is that even legal? And do you know what he said to me the other day? He thinks it’s cool that you get to go around shagging underwear models. He doesn’t think your relationship with the dingo is fake. He doesn’t even believe you’re gay. Of course you’re gay. If you were straight you would have called me a long time ago, it’s the only logical explanation. Or maybe the dingo has your internet access blocked or something. You should check that out.
Anyway, I think I’m dumping your ass again. And I’m divorcing Mr. Rizzuto. A girl has to keep her dignity, doesn’t she? I hope you and Mr. Rizzuto and the dingo will be very happy together. If you ever change your about her let me know and I’ll put you in touch with a good no-kill shelter.
I want half of everything, Mr. R. Half the house, half the money, half the cars and half the kids. And if you get Janey good luck combing her afro every day. Maybe you and Orly should look into adding another woman into your orgy who can do black hair.
Here’s your breakup song:
(Sorry folks, I’m still a little depressed. I’ll probably take them both back in a minute.)