Thanks for asking.
My mother called me at work this morning. My mother is the most hysterical person on the face of the earth. She and my dad live in Texas these days. Being so far away from my brother and me gives her endless opportunities to fret over nothing. When I say nothing I mean absolutely nothing. If she hears about something bad happening in New York, no matter how far away the trouble is from either of us, the whole family gets a series of hysterical phone calls until she’s sure that everyone is accounted for.
As you’ve probably heard, there was another crane crash in New York today. Unfortunately for me, it was on the Upper East Side, which is where my brother lives. Now, I’m not a bad sister. If I had thought for one single second that my brother was involved I would have been beside myself. But how many people live in the neighborhood? Thousands? Tens of thousands? What are the odds?
So mom called me at work. At this point I was only vaguely aware of the accident. Her tone of voice suggested that someone had recently died and she was calling to give me the news.
Mom: (voice shaking) Wanda?
Me: What’s wrong? Who died? Is Dad dead?
Mom: Have you heard from your brother? There was a crane crash!
Me: GD IT MOM!!!!
She does this at least once a week. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now.
Mom: Well, have you?
Me: Oh my God, HE’S FINE!
Mom: They said someone was killed!
Me: It wasn’t him!
Mom: How do you know?
Me: Mom, you have got to stop bothering me at work with this stuff. It’s nothing. He’s fine.
Mom: This is your brother we’re talking about.
Me: I have to go. Goodbye.
What I really wanted to say was, “Mom, get a farking hobby. Stop pretending to be worried about stupid stuff all the time. You just want attention. Freaking out every gd five minutes doesn’t make anyone think you’re a concerned parent, it’s just annoying.”
I know what you’re thinking. I’m a terrible person. Maybe I am, but you try going through this every week for 38 years. But you’re right, every time I have one of these conversations with her I feel horribly guilty. I mean, she’s just a little old 69 year old lady with nothing better to do than worry about her family. Except she’s been acting like this since she was at least 31, which is when I was born.
So what do I do? I get on the internet to see if my brother’s name comes up among the casualties. It doesn’t. But he did call me a few minutes ago to tell me that it happened on his block, so it could very well have been him after all. I’m a horrible person.
In other news, Harvey Korman died yesterday. Mr. Rizzuto thinks I’m retarded for liking old comedy shows like Carol Burnett and The Honeymooners, but you and I both know that shows like that were pure awesomeness. So here’s my thank you to Mr. Korman for making the world a little funnier. And here’s the least offensive clip from the funniest most politically incorrect, and best movie ever, Blazing Saddles.