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OK, not quite.

Recently I wrote that I thought I should have a reality show.  It seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t.  I’ve also come to lament the fact that I’m not a celebrity.  Everyone is a celebrity, farking everyone.

Really, if these losers can get invited to the White House Correspondent annual gala, what does that tell you about the state of Western civilization?  It used to be that you had to at least do something to be famous, even if it really wasn’t much.  Have a singing career, or a role in a movie, then maybe they’d talk about you on Page Six.  At least sleep with someone famous, you know, like Marla Maples.  Nowadays they’ll chase anyone around with a camera, won’t they?

I finally decided I had had it when I read this.  I’m tired of being a nobody when I should be a somebody.  I’m going to make myself famous.  I can do nothing just as well as the next guy, right?

I already have a couple of people in my entourage.  My friend Kris has agreed to hold my umbrella for me and her boyfriend is going to be my bodyguard.  I put up an ad on Craigslist for a publicist and I’m looking into putting up a post on Wikipedia.  I’ve already started an internet rumor about me and Orlando (which of course I’ll deny).

The hardest part is going to the self-hatred.  I’m going to have to get in touch with that.  But that’s why God made antidepressents, right?  Also, I’ll have to be showing up at all the New York hotspots.  Celebrities have to do that kind of stuff, but I’m far too lazy.  I think I’ll try to convince the world that Staten Island is hip and edgy.  At least if people start hanging out here I can be home at a reasonable hour.  

If you guys have any ideas that I haven’t thought of please let me know.  I’ll be taking applications for my entourage shortly.  Oh, and if anyone asks why I’m famous tell them I’m an “internet personality.”  OK?



  1. OK, never mind the Craigslist ad. They flagged and removed it. Did they think I was kidding? Farking haters.

  2. Ha! A thread called: “What was the name of his black girlfriend?” You’re a nut, Wanda!

  3. Haters.

    I think you need a slogan, like, Stop the insanity! from Susan Powter. Something with some zing. And learn to talk in sound bites, very cryptically. You’ll want to be quoted.

    Maybe Mr. R could write a letter to a confessionals magazine entitled My wife is shagging Orly?

    Can I be one of your “yes men”? I’ll send my CV.

  4. I absolutely insist that you be my yes man Stevo.

    What can I put you down for Anners?

  5. I would fit in one of those little carriers, and I’m more fun than a little pretend dog. I like zebra stripes. I also look good in red. I would need a new collar, one of those sparkly ones.

  6. Well, having surgery is doing something, isn’t it? The write-up on the blonde Hills girl immediately described her as “surgically enhanced” — which is a sad statement all by itself, since we can safely bet it wasn’t brain surgery.

  7. Oh, and sign me up for your campaign, too? I’ll sing your theme song.

  8. I’ll spread sordid rumors, Wanda. Put me down for that.

  9. That would make Anners your publicist then, right Wanda?

    I don’t know what I want to do. I can’t cook, so I can’t be your personal chef. I don’t exercise so I can’t be your personal trainer. I hate housework so I’m not gonna be your housekeeper.

    I think I’ll just be the obligatory Aussie hanger on. All entourages should have a token (thought not particularly useful) Aussie.

  10. OK, LFC, great idea. I’m over the chiuauas anyway.

    Shadodottir, can you write my theme song too?

    And Anners and Joders, you’re hired. But I haven’t been contacted by any media yet Anners, so you’re slacking already.

  11. I prefer to be the anonymous person that bags out the famous people but i’ll be nice to u.

    I’ll be ur professional photog.

  12. Ordinarily I’d say Mr. Rizzuto has to be the photographer, but I guess he has to be the other half of our celebrity power couple. If I let him out of the garage, that is.

  13. We sort of know each other tangentially and I’d just like to nominate myself as sycophant. Nobody makes a better toady than me. (I can also stalk you if your looking for a little shocking victim press.)

  14. Ms. Pants! I absolutely know you by reputation, my dear. Welcome to Deadpan! Tell your friends!

    You are officially my sychophant, and I would be most honored if you’d stalk me. Would you like a copy of my schedule?

  15. Luckily enough, not only do I carry umbrellas, I carry schedules. I’ve carried resumes, too, but I think we can give that up because obviously Miss Plastic Tits didn’t need one.

    I think it says a lot about the state of the White House that this dolt was even considered for the Correspondents’ wingding. Maybe she was the naked chick in Cheney’s reflective sunglasses.

  16. I’m putting together a press release, Wanda. Should be ready anyday now… and by ‘anyday now’ I mean September.

  17. I’m getting good at dealing with people who wander up my road looking for a famous person rumored to have a place near-by. I tell them they are way off course and need to head over to Shrewsbury Then I give them directions that will keep them busy on the back roads for hours. I would be happy to deny that you live anywhere near me.

  18. Yeah, thanks Quill.

    I think I need a new publicist.

  19. Ok – I have some tips on how to foster the self hatred. Call me to discuss. Many of of them involve cheap and easily procured aids, like boxes of Ho-Hos or Sno-Caps candy or a liter of vodka (drunk at midday). these should be good for starters.

  20. Those are some stellar suggestions Manager Mom. Would you like to be my life coach?

  21. Sorry Janers, Im the only one who photographs Wanda’s ass. You could be my photographer though.

  22. Mr Rizzuto! U shud drop by more often.

    I leave the boudoir shots up to u. I’ll be the one hiding in the bushes when u guys get coffee. You’ll have to ring thru with a tip off tho.

  23. * Tigereye, that bit about Dick Cheney’s sunglasses was brill! hee hee!

    * Wanda, you can’t fire me like that! By the way, I’m already working on some stellar shit for you. Simmer down.

  24. See, look at all these people – you don’t need me around – I just clutter up the place.

  25. Johnno! It just isn’t the same without your brilliance.

  26. *bites Johnno’s ankle* quit slacking, back to work!

  27. Hi, can I join the pack? I’ve worked as a secretary for a lunatic before, so I have experience at getting all kinds of stuff done. Not to mention the excellent coffee I can make.

    I am also a pro at using Google for things it was not originally designed for. Or I can manage your unofficial Facebook, MySpace and other pages.

  28. Absolutely Jaded! Have your people call my people.

  29. Dang, girl, Craigslist removal! What kind of pre-vert are you?

    By the way… still working diligently. 🙂

    • Bunny Dixonjugs Is Daners' Bond Girl Name
    • Posted May 7, 2008 at 6:51 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    ^I was basically going to say the same thing. I’ve read some of the nasty shit up on Craigslist (while I was supposed to be writing reports, ssh, don’t tell) and how did you get yours removed! Insane, Wanda. Insane, I say.

  30. I can’t help on the self-loathing, but damn, am I unbelievable on general anxiety and procrastination. I’ll send you one of my flyers.

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