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Why Miranda? Why?

First, you fark my boyfriend. It’s cool, he doesn’t actually know I exist so I suppose he has to fark someone. Then I have to delete all my Google alerts because you keep turning up in them. And OK, so they’re saying that you’re about to get engaged. Again, it’s cool. It had to happen sooner or later. Did I jump on the Miranda Haters bandwagon?  Noooo.  Hell, I even wrote a semi-supportive post about how unfair it was to call you a cabbage.  Then, I read this.  Writing a book, eh?  For teenage girls?  


Here’s the problem.  I’m trying to take the high road, but you’re making it difficult.  How can I take the high road when I read statements like this:

“It will also be chock-full of handy hints, including the importance of carrying a magnet (great for bringing positive vibes into your life).”

 Or this:

“Kerr, who studied nutrition and sport psychology, is keen to help others in their journey to find the right healthy path.”

Or (God help us all) this:

“‘You can change even the structure of your cells with your mind,’ she attests.  ‘It is such a powerful tool.”’

I’m not a crazy fangirl.  I’m not.  A crazy fangirl, particularly one with real writing skills, would skewer you with jokes about moving your brain cells, or point out that watching a Billy Blanks infomercial doesn’t amount to “studying sport psychology”.  Someone might even have the poor taste to suggest book titles like He’s Still Gay Because You’re A Quitter or Vomiting For Fun And Profit.

But I’m not like that.  I won’t write volumes about how a 60 pound underwear model is probably the last person on earth who should be giving advice to young girls about body image.  I won’t rant and rave about why vacuously stupid celebrities think that they’re qualified to write books while people with real talent struggle to get published.  Not me.

Tell you what Miranda.  You go right ahead and fark my boyfriend.  Tell him I said hi.  Marry him for all I care.  Let’s just all remember to stay in our places, shall we?  You stop all this silly talk about writing books and I won’t walk down the runway in my drawers.  Deal?

Thanks in advance,




  1. You tell her, Wanda.

  2. Wanda, this was far too gentle. You ought to rip her a new one. Or at least rip that disgusting smile off her face.

  3. I gotta walk the line Anners.

  4. I was just at ninemsn where they had a whole article about how she was a ‘greenie’. I hate it when celebs do that. They tell us we need to do more and then go jump on a jumbo jet every 5 minutes.

  5. So, she’s a greenie, she’s a Buddhist, she’s an expert on nutrition and sports psychology, she’s a Victoria’s Secret model and she’s on with Orlando Bloom. Is there anything this girl can’t do?

    How about string a few words together to form an intelligible sentence. Fark me, can she even spell intelligible?

    I’d rather be a bitter, twisted and unsuccessful, yet intelligent human being.

  6. Okay, I did my research on the matter and found the low-down on where Ms. Kerr studied “nutrition and sport psychology.”

    According to her official website (yes, I braved that damned web-page to get the scoop for you wonderful people), she studied at the Academy of Natural Living. It doesn’t seem to be the most reputable of places and it appears that she took a correspondence course:

    I think all of Miranda’s blathering comments are starting to make sense to me now…

  7. Perhaps the Dingo will get eaten by a dingo.

  8. One can only hope Stevo.

    Vy…I don’t know what to say. John Fielder’s Academy of Natural Living?


    That is so awesome. I think I can probably get another post out of that one.

    • Anners Scribonia Loathes Mirandingo Kerr
    • Posted May 1, 2008 at 5:14 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    She’s the jill of all trades and the master of none.

    In the dingo’s defense, that correspondance course looks kinda hard.

    Just Kidding.

  9. You’d be sick over the steady stream of books I see, then, Wanda. Why exactly would we turn to a 20-something starlet whose achievements in life include knowing exactly how much milk she’ll need with her cereal so that she can barf it out and still look fashionably fresh for the cameras at noon?

    Since when did walking past the camera twice in the same movie qualify anyone as an intelligent life form? Oh — since we elected Reagan.

  10. Cereal and milk is for fatties.

    (Shadodottir is really a riot when she gets going, isn’t she?)

  11. My favourite part that what she seemed most concerned about and had the most to say about was

    *drumroll please*

    the cover design of the book! She gave details what it would LOOK like! All pink and white and pretty?!


  12. agrees, but with this it can not be helped, it is in their blood

  13. I will request my pals for your weblog, you probably received a great web site.,

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