I’m so terribly, terribly sorry that it had to come to this.
It’s just that I did everthing that I could to get you to notice me and you still don’t know I exist. Consider this a pathetic, passive-aggressive attempt to get your attention, however negative that attention may be. Also I’m getting really sick of seeing pictures of you and your girlfriend playing kissy face all over town.
(Seriously, you should have a talk with your publicist about that. Does she not understand that your fans want to think they have a chance?)
OK, the truth is that I’m having some kind of weird mid-life crisis and I’m feeling bitchy and I wanted to see if anyone would be dumb enough to believe it. Sue me.