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Greetings.

It’s Easter, and because I’m a) a bad mother, b) a bad daughter, and c) a bad Catholic I’m not celebrating.  I don’t have the emotional strength to even buy a freaking Easter basket for my poor neglected children.  Instead, I’m blogging.  Aren’t you lucky.

I’ve been kicking around the idea of adding a new category to Deadpan called “Celebrities Must Die,” and today seems like just the right day to launch.  This category will be devoted to stories about celebrities, the stupid things they say and do, and why they should be killed.  You might ask yourself, is Wanda openly encouraging violence against famous people who should not be breathing the air?  In a word, yes.

Today’s celebrity is Gwyneth Paltrow.

First, a little background.  Lately I’ve been in a huge tizzy over the state of my life.  As you know, I am a working mom.  I’m a manager at my company which pretty much means I’m a mom at work too.  All day long I listen to people whine and complain and act like they couldn’t possibly take a dump without my express written permission.  Basically, I spent $60,000+ dollars on my education so I could be a glorified babysitter.  Sometimes my (real) kids are asleep when I leave in the morning and they’re asleep when I get home, which sucks.  I have no time for anything except eating, sleeping, commuting and screaming at people.  Oh, and blogging so someone will discover my mad writing skills and hire me so I can work from home.  That hasn’t happened yet.

This morning while standing at the sink over a week’s worth of dirty dishes and thinking about the 3 weeks worth of laundry I hadn’t done yet I suddenly realized I couldn’t take it anymore.  I decided to cry for about 45 minutes, which seriously cut into my chore time and made me cry harder.  This of course led to a spirited discussion with Mr. Rizzuto about how we could manage living on one income and still, you know, eat. 

All this because someone decided that women could have a family and a career.  Only nobody said anything about the guilt you would feel when you’re so tired that you forget to bathe or give your kid a dollar for the school bake sale.  Or that stay-at-home mothers would hate you for being a working mother and working mothers would hate you if they knew you were thinking about staying home.

So, you can imagine what went through my mind when I read this crapola about Ms. Paltrow.  She’s putting her “career” on hold so she can be a full-time mom.  It’s all about the kids, didn’t you know.  Alert the media.  Oh wait, someone already did, because us poor slobs couldn’t possibly go another second without knowing what the crap Gwyneth Paltrow was going to do next.  You’d think she’d learn to keep her mouth shut after getting slammed a few years back over this piece of brilliance:

“There are certain women in this business who have children and I just think, ‘You must never, never see them.'”

Gwyn?  Sweetie?  Get fucked.  Get fucked until you bleed.

Listen bitch, when I want parenting advice from a vacant actress who’s never gotten up off of her bony, lily-white ass to do an honest day’s work in her life I’ll call you.  OK?  Go tell someone who cares.  Go tell your nanny, who for some reason you just had to have even though you’re the most perfect stay-at-home, put your nasty celebrity ass on a pedestal mother in the whole gd history of womanhood.  Go tell your mom.  In the meantime I’ll be here trying to eliminate $700 out of my monthly budget, $20 at a time, because working suckers like me have to think about things like property taxes and car insurance.  But you wouldn’t know about that, would you?

Gwyneth, because you look like a nice girl and it isn’t really your fault everyone has blown smoke up your ass your whole life and acted like what you say means something to someone, I’m gonna do you a solid.  The next time someone asks you a question about…well, anything, but particularly about anything important, here’s what you should say (and please feel free to use it as many times as you like):

“I don’t know.  I’m just a stupid, worthless, do-nothing waste of life.  Evolution will eventually naturally select my genes into oblivion.  Why don’t you ask Wanda or any of the other billions of real people that might actually understand your question!”

You’re welcome.  Fucking bitch.

Editorial note:  I know this made almost no sense.  I apologize.  I’m kinda tight right now.

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19 Comments

  1. On that cheerful note I will now spend the remainder of this holiest of holy days at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. Peace.

  2. Poor Wanda.

    If it makes you feel any better that was a brilliant rant!

    I’ll come over and clean up on the weekends even tho I just declined your offer on my blog… I didn’t realize you prob were being sort of serious.

  3. Quill Gordon has no basis on which to relate what Wanda is going through but wants to say something meaningful and supportive.

    Kung-Pao chicken.

    (Long-term humiliation and endless hectoring seem more satisfying in the long term than killing. Celebrities that are no longer obnoxious because they are no longer alive aren’t half as much fun.)

  4. Thanks Anners. I don’t care what Quill says about you, you rock.

    Quill, I happen to love Kung Pao chicken. You also rock.

  5. ((Wanda))

    Could we also include the idiot who said we could have it all, and didn’t finish with, “except sleep”?

    All of us, who have been reading you, know you love your kids, and I think you’re a great mom, for what it’s worth.

    Have your cry. You’ll make the right choice and do fine.

  6. You have my sympathy, but that’s not any real help here, if memory serves me well. I can think back to those days — there were times I was working full-time with the kids in daycare, and times when I was not working but spent easily the same amount of time volunteering at various places that made the community better for all the kids.

    The bottom line is exhaustion, and we never, ever see celebrities other than sports figures looking tired and sweaty. They’re paid to wear themselves out. We aren’t. Hollywood glams are paid to look like our dreams, not our nightmares; I’m betting old Gwyn gets aches and pains and sweat stains just like the rest of us, but photos like that don’t sell magazines.

    It’s never easy raising kids; it’s harder with a full-time office job, but even without that parenting is a full-time unpaid job. I slogged through with three kids and no help from anyone; at least you have a supportive partner. And it gets better. I promise. Come up north and I promise you’ll have company and/or someone to babysit once in a while.

  7. Wow! What a rant. You can bet that although Orly will never find your blog, Gwyn will. I would be putting my stuff in order pretty soon so it would all be ready when they come a knockin’.

  8. You think, Corina?

    Thanks you guys, you all rock so hard.

    SD, I know Gwyn gets aches and pains, etc. What I resent is the idea that if we want to be good moms and spend time with our kids we should just quit our jobs and stay home. That isn’t an option for those of us that don’t have $100 million in the bank.

  9. In other news, KMart was open yesterday so I got the Easter baskets after the Kung Pao chicken. Woo hoo!

    • Daners Isadora Is Phucking Phierce!
    • Posted March 24, 2008 at 10:09 am
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    Lovely rant, seriously, and I like the new pheature. SHould it come to pass, or whatever.

    I hate Gwynnie and I giggle every time Michael K over at Dlisted calls her Fishsticks. Because I am truly 5 at heart.

    Meanwhile, I’m pissed I don’t get holiday pay for Easter.

  10. “Thanks Anners. I don’t care what Quill says about you, you rock.”

    You’re so welcome! And I don’t care what Quill says about you either.

  11. My search for an encouraging response was finally inspired by your rhetorical question: “Aren’t you lucky.”

    Magenta: You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, we’re all lucky! Ha ha ha…

    I hope that helps.

  12. Hey Wanda — I won’t say Happy Easter, then. I feel for you, as one working mom to another.

  13. Maybe I should just click on one of those ads over there. >>>>>

  14. I’m such a bad mom that we NEVER get Easter baskets, not from KMart or from anywhere. So there. They don’t even ask any more… 😀

  15. Wow.

    I think studio execs will be alerting security. There will photos of your ass in every security booth in Hollywood, you hater!

    Lovely rant. You have more talent than that blonde chippy. You live in the real world, baby. Maybe you could start a Wanda versus __________ blog?

  16. And I thought I was a celebrity hater.

  17. Stevo said chippy. Hee.

  18. I think you were too easy on Gwyn, but aside from that, good post.

    As a man, I have nothing useful to contribute. However, I’ve heard the saying, “What every woman needs is a wife.”

    Wasn’t I surprised when my daughter got one. However, with Random Granddaughter and two full time jobs, they are still stressed. What is wrong with the picture?

    Random Granddaughter is about to go back to graduate school again.

    Somehow, I don’t think the rose garden is going to plant itself for any of us.


One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By Deadpan » I’m Sorry Orlando! on 26 Mar 2008 at 11:11 am

    […] the truth is that I’m having some kind of weird mid-life crisis and I’m feeling bitchy and I wanted to see if anyone would be dumb enough to believe it.  […]

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