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Dear Orlando,

Hi.  Long time no hear.  What’s up with that?

I hear you’ve given up on that movie that you were going to do.  I think it’s for the best, although I’m not sure how I feel about you doing a kung-fu flick.  It’s OK, I know the reason you dropped out is that you didn’t want to be away from me for that long.  You’re so considerate!

My friends Pandemonic and Ameboid Blurry Smile (who will always be Bongo Mirror to me) are planning something to get your attention.  I don’t know what it is, I just know that it requires good weather and that it might be big news up north.  That’s what Pan says anyway.  You can read it for yourself.  I can’t wait to see what it is, can you?  I have a feeling it’s going to have something to do with that picture of my arse up yonder.  Whatever.  I just hope a bunch of horny Canadians don’t end up whacking off on my picture.  Mr. Rizzuto would think that was very funny, but me, not so much.

You aren’t still keeping company with that Australian, are you?  Have you forgotten how awesome I am?  I think you may have, which is why I’ve prepared the following list of reasons you’d be much better off with me:

  1. I will only require 36 minutes of your time, at any given time.
  2. I’m not interested in cuddling or pillow talk.  In fact, once your 36 minutes are up please feel free to get the hell out of my house.
  3. The paparazzi will never find you in my neighborhood.
  4. I don’t care about long-term commitments, children or 3-bedroom houses.  I already have all that stuff.
  5. That picture of my arse up yonder.
  6. I’ll do everything.
  7. I won’t throw a hissy fit about your personal hygine.  I’ll even help you get cleaned up!
  8. I’ll never blow smoke up your ass about the state of your career and I’ll actively discourage you from doing movies like Elizabethtown.
  9. I’m delightfully spontaneous and unpredictible.  I’ve already changed my mind about #6.
  10. For all you know I could be prettier than that dingo anyway.

Convinced yet?  What if I told you I’d hook you up with Anners when I’m done with you?  My e-mail addy is right there on my About page, K?





  1. You tell him, Wanda. And hey, how about you pass him over to me when you’re done with him? 😛

    • Anners Scribonia Bloom Cola Gorda Antiochus III
    • Posted March 17, 2008 at 12:51 am
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    Wanda, #2 made me laugh really loud. SO did #8. I scared my sister.

    * Can you please stop linking the gossip blog? I don’t want Quill Gordon to think that I’m shallow.

    * And can I call you “A phish called Wanda?”

    * Pandemonic and ABS are cool beans for trying to help you out. I’m still not gonna help you because I don’t believe you’re being honest when you promise to send him my way.

  2. Wanders, sweetie, I hate to burst your bubble about Orly not wanting to stay away too long, but unless you live in Hong Kong, I think he’s still gonna be a long, long way away from you when he shoots his Kung Fu Panda movie.

    I totally agree that he’s better off with one of us instead of the dingo, but I also have doubts about you sending him to Anners or anywhere else for that matter when you’re done with him.

    Surely Spring will arrive soon in your neck of the woods? Then we can all see what this top secret plan of Pan and ABS is all about.

  3. Why you gotta be such a buzzkill Joders?

    Anners, don’t worry about Quill. I already told him you were a sea hag. And if I were you I’d stop doubting me, because if you hadn’t noticed there are a couple of others who’d be pleased as punch to get my sloppy seconds. Get with the program, would you?

  4. Oh, my, that’s one list. Delightfully told, too. I can’t imagine why Orlando Baby hasn’t beaten your door down yet.

    ABS has had a death in the family, so the launching of our mutual project might be put on hold (yet again). Sorry. I’m gearing up for it, in case he has ceased the mourning period.

    By the way, if a bunch of Canadians are doing their Johnsons in front of their monitors decorated with your arse, wouldn’t that cause a rush on screen cleaners at the local Staples?

  5. Wow. Thanks for the mental image Pan. I’ll take it to my grave.

  6. Wanda, oh Wanda. If only I could somehow make the things on your list apply to me. I can’t understand why the little twerp hasn’t responded to your overtures. I mean, what man wouldn’t crave being kicked to the curb or passed around among your friends after up to 36 minutes of whatever you could dish out? I’d take that over shagging a dingo any day.

  7. I know, right?

    • Anners Scribonia Bloom Cola Gorda Antiochus III
    • Posted March 17, 2008 at 6:29 pm
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    ^ 3-6 minutes, Wanda. How many damned times do I have to insert that correction? Joders knows what I’m talking about.

    And what is a sea hag? I’m not any kind of hag!

    Hee hee… Quill said ‘shagging a dingo’.

  8. I find sea hags oddly appealing.

  9. I’m Canadian and am self-pleasuring myself right now. You should have seen the state of me when I made the header.

  10. I’m sorry, but I must be involved with the wrong group of people here. What is this, some strange Canadian-Chinese-American international ass editing ring?

  11. Oh my, Quill is a riot!

    I can’t believe you haven’t caught his eye or his ear yet!

    • Anners Scribonia Bloom Cola Gorda Antiochus III
    • Posted March 18, 2008 at 1:40 am
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    Wanda, did you read this article on Blogcritics? <—– Hahhahahaha!

    By the way yours was awesome!

    * Hahahahhahaha @ Quill. ^

    * what is a sea hag?! No one is answering my question.

  12. Anners, let’s put it this way. Sea hag is not exactly a term of endearment. Nor is buzzkill, btw.

    If you really, really, want to know, there’s a nice little wiki article on hags (I was redirected from a sea hag search) that gives a brief rundown.

    Wanders you have such a way with words!

  13. I actually don’t know what a sea hag is. We just call each other sea hags at work all the time.

    I should really stop using terms when I don’t know what they mean.

    (Stevo isn’t self-pleasuring himself. He’s self-pleasuring someone else.)

  14. I believe that Popeye had a few run-ins with a sea hag. Other than Popeye’s spinach-induced rages, the only other thing that scares a sea hag is gulls, who sometimes try to steal their lunch. That’s my story and I’m stuck with it.

  15. I’ve gotta know how you came up with 36 minutes. Is it an average? A personal best? Mr. Rizzuto’s personal best? I’m intrigued. Maybe there’s just a really big clock on the wall right beside your bed?…

    • Anners Scribonia Bloom Cola Gorda Antiochus III
    • Posted March 19, 2008 at 3:48 am
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    * I looked up Sea Hag on Wikipedia and I am not amused.

    * Not phunny, Quill Gordon.

  16. Wishful thinking Tigereye.

    So? What is a sea hag Anners?

    • Anners Scribonia Bloom Cola Gorda Antiochus III
    • Posted March 19, 2008 at 6:20 am
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    “Sea Hag – Sea hags are fully aquatic, with an appearance so horrific that it saps the strength out of living creatures. The sea hag is also able to use her “evil eye” to kill or daze victims.”

    ^ I wish I could do that last bit, though.

    Don’t ask me why I’m up. By the way, it’s 4:20 PST.

  17. Would you be mad if I said I was laughing my arse off at that?

    I’m so going to use “sea hag” with everyone now.

    • Daners Isadora Is Phucking Phierce!
    • Posted March 19, 2008 at 9:25 am
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    heehee. 4:20.

One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By An open letter to Orlando Bloom on 19 Mar 2008 at 2:02 am

    […] through, I can truthfully admit to living an almost Orlando-free life. Others, like my bloglleague Wanda Rizzuto, cannot make the same […]

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