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Why is it that every time some brainless celebrity has a baby people have to go on about it so?  Like it’s the first time a woman has ever given birth in the history of the universe?

In the latest slap in the face to mothers everywhere (and, dare I say, womanhood in general) People was alleged to have paid $1 million for pictures of Nicole Ritchie’s newborn.  I wonder if these pearls of wisdom were thrown in at no extra charge:

“She gives life a whole new meaning and a whole new purpose,” says Ms. Ritchie. 

Wow, that’s deep.  She’s also worried that she won’t be her old party-girl self anymore. 

“…(s)ometimes I’ll be here and I’ll think to myself, ‘I used to be fun!  What if I’m not fun anymore?'”

I’ve got news for Nicole.  She was never that much fun, unless you consider watching her lure the paparazzi into the drive-thru so they could photograph her eating a cheeseburger fun.  I guess it sorta was.

The only thing stupider than paying Nicole Ritchie that kind of money for baby pictures is writing an article about Hollywood’s most influential children.  Like these kids did the world a huge favor just by being born.  Duh.

Again I ask, why?  Why pay so much attention to someone who became famous by being Paris Hilton’s sidekick?  Is it because she stayed out of prison long enough to procreate?  Does she want a medal or a monument?

Forgive me for pointing this out, but lots of women have had babies, with varying degrees of success.  Ugly women.  Poor women.  Thin women.  Comatose women for God’s sake.  Hell, even I had a couple.  Where’s my million?  If you give me a million dollars I promise I’ll keep my trap shut and not have a hissy fit, K?

So the next time you want to congratulate some bimbo for doing something that’s easily accomplished by a vegetable, think about this:  there’s a whole lot more to being a parent than giving birth and being skinny a month later.  If Nicole Ritchie or Christina Aguilera want to impress me, let them come home to a sinkful of dirty dishes and projectile vomit after working a 10 hour day.  That I’d pay money to see.

Wait, no I wouldn’t.



  1. I agree with you, it’s ridiculous the attention the non-celebs garner. People seem to be fascinated with has-beens and never-weres at a surprising level. I think the worst example is that reality show about celebrity rehab. It’s a little nauseating to see what people will do to be on television or back in the “press.”

  2. The comatose woman is probably a much better mom than Nicole Richie has a shot at being. God, we let her spawn? The ASPCA will spay a cat for $80, for God’s sake!

  3. I think $80 would have been a bargain in this case.

  4. Best. Rant. Ever.

    Hahaha, a vegetable.

  5. Maybe I can make enough money from Adsense to get her fixed. Get to clicking, people!

  6. Raising money to spay and neuter people who are only famous for being famous! Brilliant!

  7. *sniffle* I’m so proud to be your conjoined triplet… *clicks madly*

  8. *sniffle* I’m so proud to be your conjoined triplet… *clicks madly*

    Wait a second. Is there anything you want to tell us? Like, is there a reason all your ads are for memory improvement? Those chillen been chowing down on your brain again?

  9. I don’t even know which one that is, but let me guess–she’s blond and skinny?

    I see the magazines with the celebrity pics in the supermarket check-out line, but I don’t know who half those people are. K. keeps asking me who buys those mags, and I always tell him someone must, or else they wouldn’t print them–people like gossip, other people’s misfortune, lowest common blahblahblah. But then the other day he pointed out that all the time that we’ve stood in line in those places, we’ve never seen anyone buy one of them.

    So now I’m confused. My answers have been found wanting.

  10. Great post! Let’s swap links!

    * Nicole Bitchie sux!

  11. Nicole Ritchie had a baby?

    For everyone: As this is a rant, I will add my own: Ms. is incorrect. Ms is the proper spelling (no period). A period denotes an abbreviation. Ms is not an abbreviation, therefore a period is not required. I pass along this little nugget that was beat into me by an obsessive editor.

  12. Thank you Stevo.

    Aniko, I believe I can answer your questions. Sort of.

    People do buy these magazines. One of my co-workers buys them and brings them to the office. I don’t want to read them, yet I cannot turn away. When I read them I feel like showering, vomiting and gouging my eyes out, in that order.

    I would guess that I don’t know who about 50% of the people they talk about are.

  13. Stevo, are u quite sure?

    Ms. is an abbreviation of ‘Miss’, isn’t it?

    No period is required for Miss, though. Of that I am sure.

  14. I love celeb babies and puppies but that’s I love babies and puppies in general. The thing is, it may be easy for most people to pop one out but in the scheme of things u haven’t really been successful from natures point of view unless u passed on ur genetic material so it’s a big achievement.

    having babies is a huge milestone, it interests people.

    I just know I’d rather see a celeb and her beautiful newborn on a cover than a bullshit story about the britney/lindsay/miley exploits.

  15. Aw, cut the girl a break. It’s amazing she had a child, what with her anorexia, partying, et. al. Nikki, honey, if you need a friend, give me a buzz. I need a friend who will lend me some $$$$. Maybe I’ll even babysit for you.

  16. All I know is, I go by Ms (or Ms.?), so it’s clearly too good for the likes of Nicole Richie.

  17. Ms needs no punctuation. I learned that while helping my mommy with mailings in support of the Equal Rights Amendment back in the day. (Yes, children, there was a time when we, as a nation asked ourselves if women should have the same rights as men. The amendment didn’t pass, whatever that means.

  18. You know, I have been pondering this, and despite it being said that there will always be wars and rumours of wars, and that the poor will be with us always, there is absolutely nothing said about us having to have celebrity babies. I’d say that means a good plan might succeed.

  19. I barely remember the ERA. But I mourn it. Not passing it says a lot of things about our country that make me lower my head.

  20. OKays.

    Ms doesn’t need punctuation, but it’s not incorrect to put a period. I did research beacuse I’m re-re.

    It just looks weird w/out it to me.

    Ms Bloom vs Ms. Bloom

    * Wanda, why are you no longer Orlando Bloom’s official blogger?!

  21. I don’t know Anners. Just needed a change I guess.

    Don’t you mean Mrs. Bloom? If you don’t use the Mrs. nobody will know that you’re that Mrs. Bloom.

  22. Oh, righty o checkers!

    I was just being hypothetical, of course.

  23. Do u guys use Miss or Ms?

  24. I pumped out four rug-rats. Where’s my million?

    Ms is not an abbreviation. Women started using it on their mail years ago, so no one would know if they were married or single. It was suppose to keep the muggers away from women with no husband at home.

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  1. By Deadpan » Taco Taco! Taco Burrito! on 25 Apr 2008 at 7:17 pm

    […] woman of color at that) I can feel her pain.  And you already know how I feel about the whole “celebrities as role models” nonsense, so I was overjoyed (NOT!) to hear the wonderful news about JLo’s new reality […]

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