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What a crappy week this has been.

First, my boyfriend cheats on me with a Victoria’s Secret model.  It’s so wrong for so many reasons.  I mean, come on, a model?  Does he have to be such a cliche?  I’m thinking about sending him a copy of this book, except that he has yet to acknowledge my ass shirt that I sent him for his birthday.  Make that an ungrateful cheating flat-leaver.  It’s not like I asked him for much, just approximately 36 minutes (not 3-6 minutes like Anners says).  And I’m just waiting for someone to say that she’s a “curvy model”.  Be prepared for a rant if that comes up.

The worst part of it is that she appears to live right here in NYC.  He couldn’t even break the news to me in person.  I had to read about it over and over again in my Google alerts.  (Yes, I get news alerts about Orlando.  A girl never knows when she’s going to need blog material).  On the bright side, I don’t care enough to figure out where those pictures were taken and camp out in front of the building.  I’m always relieved to find that I have a one or two marbles left.

To add insult to injury, it turns out he got a job.  In England.  All this time he’s been sitting on his pretty ass doing nothing when he could have been calling me, and now he gets a job.  It starts in March.

You know what this means, don’t you?  It means I only have a few more weeks to find him.  Until he comes back, which will probably be soon now that he has a girlfriend here, but that’s beside the point.  You’ve all been slacking off, so why don’t you do me a solid?  Go post a note to Orlando on your blog or something.  Tell him to call me.  Link a sister up.

In the meantime I’ll just have to spend my 36 minutes on Mr. Rizzuto.  I think I’ll get him to kick Orlando’s ass.

Author’s note:  Mr. Rizzuto, not being from the ghetto, says he never heard the term “flat-leaver.”  It means he left my ass.



  1. Who’s afraid of Naomi Wolf? Orlando is! <— worst joke ever.

    * He blows. That’s all I have to say!

    * And I’m gonna downgrade that 3-6 minutes to .36 minutes just for spite. That’s not even a damn minute.

    * And he can take that job and shove it.

  2. You don’t think he left us because you kept joking about him only lasting 3-6 minutes, do you? Just saying. Mr. Rizzuto agrees with you though.

    I think you should probably help me find him. We can set him straight.

  3. Oh, crap! I really did us in, didn’t I? That and that text…

    I am so stupid.

    63 minutes. Is that better, Whorelando? Come back, bytch! Anners didn’t mean it!

  4. 63 minutes? Let’s not go overboard.

  5. Fine! 6.3 minutes. Everyone happy, nowz?

  6. It could be worse. He could have left you for a man. Wait, looking in my crystal ball, I see that later, you are reunited.

    You don’t want to be someone’s beard, Wanda. You’re better than Star Jones.

    I jest. I’m certain Orlando is just filling time because your paths have yet to cross. He’s pining but doesn’t know it.

  7. 36 minutes!? Mr. Rizzuto has you spoiled.

  8. I’m with Stevo. Whatever he means!

  9. You can do it with him in 36 minutes? I would have thought you needed an all-night session.

    Honestly, Wanda. If you don’t find him before he leaves for jolly Old England, maybe your supporters can take up a collection for airfare to London. Just saying…

  10. Corina, a “beard” is a girl that a guy pretends he’s dating so no one will know he’s gay. Not that that has anything to do with me, Orlando or this post.

  11. I appreciate the offer Pan, but getting to London is not the problem. The problem is finding the son of a bitch and convincing him of how great I am. I am great, aren’t I?

  12. I’m betting that the little twerp reads your blog all the time and that swappin’ spit with the underwear girl was part of his plan to draw you out. You know, to see what move you’ll make.

    You could whine on the internets about how he done you wrong and hope to shame him into thinking and acting right but that doesn’t seem proper to me. I would like very much to see you on the news with a big old fistful of his collar (or whatever you just happened to grab), giving him what-for as you drag him down the street to your lair with a swarm of cameras following.

    (PS – Minutes? HAH!)

  13. *sigh*

    I have to find him first Quill.

  14. I thought it had something to do with a tenant/landlord dispute like a broken lease or something.

  15. I just put up an Oscar column, and just for you and O, I’m gonna go back and give you a shout-out.

    By the way, thanks for flat-leaver — I live in the sticks and never hear anything, either.

  16. “You don’t want to be someone’s beard, Wanda. You’re better than Star Jones.”

    Best. Advice. Ever.

  17. I want to read that book. He got a job? well the proves he’s gay, what guy would take off to England when they could be shagging Victoria secret models? Ok just kidding – I wonder what rich celebs do with all that time off?

    And Miranda is a curvy model, this doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a bony childlike figure – it just says bad things about the fashion industry.

2 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. […] there is my friend, Wanda. She is crushing on Orlando Bloom big time. She’s been following him for months, if not years, […]

  2. […] I’m OK with Orlando being a big cheater.  He’ll come back to me.  I’ll just have to get a billboard…but more about that […]

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