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This guy from Brazil linked to my blog from his website (I’d link you up but it seems to be gone).  The site is in Portuguese, but I managed to figure out what he was saying by drawing upon my Spanish skills and with a little help from my excellent friend Third Culture Mom.  He compared my search for Orlando to the movie My Date With Drew.  I was vaguely aware of the movie but I had never seen it.  Luckily it was on cable last week so I finally got a chance to watch it.  I thought maybe I could pick up a few tips on how to find Orlando.

The movie is about this guy, Brian, who has been in love with Drew Barrymore since he was a pup.  He decided to try to meet her, but since he was a big nobody he wasn’t sure how he would go about doing it.  Also, he was broke.  All the money he had in the world was $1100 that he won on a game show.  He decided to get a video camera from Circuit City (because they had a 30 day return policy) and document his pitiful attempts to find Drew.

I won’t give away too many details, but one of the main tricks he used was the “six degrees of separation” principle.  If everyone is separated from everyone else in the world by only six people then that meant he was only six people away from Drew.  It seems to me that that theory only works if you know who those six people are, but who am I to point that out to anyone?

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this important detail.  He finally got the idea to put up a website telling the world that he was looking for Drew, and asked if his readers would kindly put the word out for him.  The results were quite impressive.

(I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I already have a website.  Seems like some of us out there aren’t doing as much as we can to hook a sister up.  Ahem.)

But I digress.  In the end, I came to a decision.  All the things Brian did in the movie?  Well, I’m not going to do any of that stuff.  I’m just not.

For one thing, I don’t think I’m as dedicated to the cause as he was.  It’s not that I don’t love Orlando, it’s just that I don’t love him quite that much, and there’s only so much humiliation a girl can put herself through.  I just don’t see wandering around Los Angeles begging personal assistants and massage therapists to put in a good word for me.  It was pretty pathetic.  Almost as pathetic as putting your ass on a t-shirt.  A couple of times he even got teary eyed.  Besides, unlike Brian, I have a job.  I don’t have time for that stuff.

Also, Brian might have been goofy, but he was also sort of cute and endearing.  I am none of these things.  I’m sarcastic and a little bitchy.  Sometimes I make thinly veiled (however loving) remarks about Orlando’s acting skills and sexual orientation, which I suspect he might not appreciate if he were ever to grace me with his presence.  I’m pretty sure you all know it’s just fun and games, but sometimes people don’t get my sense of humor.  Deadpan and all.

So Orlando, or whichever of your flunkeys might be reading this, unless you decide to open your mail (and you know, read it) our paths may never cross.  Unless of course my readers got off their shiftless asses and decided to do their part.

Oh, one more thing about the movie.  At the end, he had to return the video camera to Circuit City because the 30 days were up.  They had to take still shots of him returning it.  Because he didn’t have a video camera!  Best movie moment ever!

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18 Comments

  1. Gee, I think you are one of the most cutest and endearing sarcastic bitches I know, and if Orlando doesn’t snap out of it, I’ll go to LA myself and hunt him down like a dog!

  2. Look, sister, sarcastic bitches rule the fucking world. Or we should. Cute and endearing might be all right for a quest for Drew Barrymore, but let’s not forget that DB is the poster child for blonde jokes and Orlando is a pretty and talented Brit who actually seems like he might’ve read a book. I think you’re destined for much better luck than Brian and Drew. He should be intrigued by your sarcastic bitchiness. And reluctance to stalk him.
    Also, when you meet him, I’m not above wanting you to put in a good word for me with George Clooney.

  3. By the way — nice ass!

  4. Thanks. I’ll put in a good word, no prob. I’m already gonna hook Anners up with Orlando when I’m done with him.

  5. You are bitchy and sarcastic? Wow! I hadn’t noticed!

  6. We readers are a bunch of shiftless bitches, aren’t we? Sure, we read about your quest to find Orlando, but what have we done to help? Can’t someone dig up his PA’s email address and send them a picture of Wanda’s Ass tee-shirt? I say putting your ass on a tee-shirt for someone warrants at least a phone call.

    Oh, and once you finally meet him, tell him to put in a good word for me with Dominic Monaghan. Once he gets his short little hobbity ass away from Evangeline Lilly, of course.

  7. See, this is why I like Cait. She’s practive! Who is his P.A. anyway? Someone find out and get back to me.

  8. OK I love this movie. I have watched it like 12 times and it has a permanent space on my DVR. I know, Lame right? But that moment where he says, “She says we’re gonna fit right in over there, they’re kids and dreamers….” gets me every time. I love how he chases a dream. And dear Wanda, if I had an in with any of the degrees that could link you to Orlando, I’d make your dream come true as well. Bitches Unite.

  9. loving the header up there! Nice job!

  10. Thanks Donna.

    Bitches Unite! (I should make that my new tagline).

  11. Shiftless asses! Is that reverse psychology? Not working, Wanda. I’m not gonna do a damn thing to help you find Orlando (even though you did offer to send him over to me after your 3-6 minutes were up).

    Oh, and Stella saw him in a car once in LA with a hot dude. Make of that what you will.

    Kidding, Wanda! I will help you out. I’m just bitter about that dingo slag he’s shagging… I’ll see what I can do, okay? Bitches shall indeed unite (haha).

  12. That’s 36 minutes Anners. Thirty-six! And forget that dingo slut.

    Anyone find his personal assistant yet?

  13. ^ha 36.

  14. No such luck on the PA yet, Wanda. I have found the name of his agents and managers (and the rest of the small army he has working for him), though. It’s scary what you can find through a simple Google search anymore, isn’t it? Or is the scary thing that someone would take the time to actually search it? *shifty eyes*

  15. Cait’s a stalker!

  16. People in glass houses, Anners! 😛

  17. I have a second degree link to a well-known Hollywood character actor. I’d help, but I’m afraid Orlando and him would hook up, devastating you and your reluctant quest.

  18. Gee, thanks Stevo.


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