One evening in the Rizzutos’ living room…
Wanda Rizzuto: Honey, what time is your friend coming over…Oh! Orlando? What are you doing here? Now’s really not a good time….
Orlando Bloom: Hi Winnie!
WR: It’s Wanda.
Mr. Rizzuto: It’s OK Wanda-poo, I invited him.
WR: You what?
MR: I invited him here to watch the Super Bowl.
WR: Can I talk to you for a minute? (Pulling him aside) Do you think this is a good idea? Besides, I thought you said he was a weenie.
MR: Yeah, I know, but the last couple of times he was here we hung out and he was pretty cool. Then we started talking online and….
WR: Online? What, like in a chat room?
MR: On mancrush.com.
WR: You’re kidding, right? What are you telling me? Are you telling me that you’re having a “bromance” with Orlando Bloom?
MR: There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m comfortable with my sexuality. Anyway, you’ve been trying to have sex with him for a while now and I don’t think he’s really into it.
OB: Hey Wanda, as long as you’re just standing there not doing anything, why don’t you bring me a pint, there’s a good girl.
An hour later….
WR: Here’s your spinach and artichoke dip.
OB: No chips?
WR: What’s that horrible smell?
MR: Don’t worry, it’s just cigars. Orli brought over some Cubans.
WR: Is that legal? Did you just call him Orli?
OB: This is great Wanda, but I think next time you should mix it up a little bit more. I keep chomping on chunks of cream cheese.
Forty minutes later….
WR: The ribs will be ready in another half hour or so. Are there any more wings.
WR: I guess I’ll have some chili then.
MR: Sorry, all gone.
WR: What’s left?
OB: Here, have some spinach and artichoke dip. It’s too lumpy anyway.
WR: You know I can’t eat that. It’s loaded with cheese, it’ll kill me.
OB: Sucks for you.
WR: Hey don’t worry about me. I’ll just eat some crackers.
Half and hour later….
OB: …I’m just saying, any guy who says he wouldn’t do it with Eli Manning is a liar….
MR: What are you doing Wanda?
WR: I’m sitting down and watching the game.
MR: Listen honey, it’s guy’s only, you know? Why don’t you go back in the kitchen.
WR: Are you serious?
OB: Go ahead Wanda. Be good and I’ll let you give me a nice Lewinsky later.
MR: Ha! Good one!
An hour later….
WR: I’m going upstairs. Just stack the dishes in the sink…what are you doing on those massage tables?
MR: Waiting for our massage.
WR: I KNOW you don’t think I’m going to….
(The doorbell rings)
WR: Now who the hell is that?
OB: Oh yay, the hooker’s here!
WR: The WHAT?
MR: You don’t think my back’s going to massage itself, do you?
WR: You brought a hooker here? Are you crazy?
MR: Honey, don’t worry. We’re not going to have sex with her.
OB: Of course we’re not. You’re going to have sex with her while we watch.
MR: Shut up stupid! We’re supposed to get her drunk first!
WR: That’s it. (Grabs Orlando by his collar)
OB: Are we gonna shag now?
WR: Get out.
OB: You’ll never get anywhere with me as long as you have that attitude.
WR: Get the fuck out.
(Wanda throws him on the curb and slams the door.)
OB: Kate Bosworth let me have hookers all the time! Mr. Rizzuto? Call me?
MR: You never let me have any fun.
Hooker: You know the hookers were all Kate Bosworth’s idea, right?
WR: Yeah, I figured.