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One evening in the Rizzutos’ living room…

Wanda Rizzuto:  Honey, what time is your friend coming over…Oh!  Orlando?  What are you doing here?  Now’s really not a good time….

Orlando Bloom:  Hi Winnie!

WR:  It’s Wanda.

Mr. Rizzuto:  It’s OK Wanda-poo, I invited him.

WR:  You what?

MR:  I invited him here to watch the Super Bowl.

WR:  Can I talk to you for a minute?  (Pulling him aside)  Do you think this is a good idea?  Besides, I thought you said he was a weenie.

MR:  Yeah, I know, but the last couple of times he was here we hung out and he was pretty cool.  Then we started talking online and….

WR:  Online?  What, like in a chat room?

MR:  On

WR:  What?


WR:  You’re kidding, right?  What are you telling me?  Are you telling me that you’re having a “bromance” with Orlando Bloom?

MR:  There’s nothing wrong with it.  I’m comfortable with my sexuality.  Anyway, you’ve been trying to have sex with him for a while now and I don’t think he’s really into it.

OB:  Hey Wanda, as long as you’re just standing there not doing anything, why don’t you bring me a pint, there’s a good girl.

WR:  Uh…OK.

An hour later….

WR:  Here’s your spinach and artichoke dip.

OB:  No chips?

WR:  What’s that horrible smell?

MR:  Don’t worry, it’s just cigars.  Orli brought over some Cubans.

WR:  Is that legal?  Did you just call him Orli?

OB:  This is great Wanda, but I think next time you should mix it up a little bit more.  I keep chomping on chunks of cream cheese.

WR:  Sorry.

Forty minutes later….

WR:  The ribs will be ready in another half hour or so.  Are there any more wings.

MR:  Nope.

WR:  I guess I’ll have some chili then.

MR:  Sorry, all gone.

WR:  What’s left?

OB:  Here, have some spinach and artichoke dip.  It’s too lumpy anyway.

WR:  You know I can’t eat that.  It’s loaded with cheese, it’ll kill me.

OB:  Sucks for you.

WR:  Hey don’t worry about me.  I’ll just eat some crackers.

Half and hour later….

OB:  …I’m just saying, any guy who says he wouldn’t do it with Eli Manning is a liar….

MR:  What are you doing Wanda?

WR:  I’m sitting down and watching the game.

MR:  Oh.

OB:  Oh.

MR:  Listen honey, it’s guy’s only, you know?  Why don’t you go back in the kitchen.

WR:  Are you serious?

OB:  Go ahead Wanda.  Be good and I’ll let you give me a nice Lewinsky later.

MR:  Ha!  Good one!

An hour later….

WR:  I’m going upstairs.  Just stack the dishes in the sink…what are you doing on those massage tables?

MR:  Waiting for our massage.

WR:  I KNOW you don’t think I’m going to….

(The doorbell rings)

WR:  Now who the hell is that?

OB:  Oh yay, the hooker’s here!

WR:  The WHAT?

MR:  You don’t think my back’s going to massage itself, do you?

WR:  You brought a hooker here?  Are you crazy?

MR:  Honey, don’t worry.  We’re not going to have sex with her.

OB:  Of course we’re not.  You’re going to have sex with her while we watch.

MR:  Shut up stupid!  We’re supposed to get her drunk first!

OB:  D’oh!

WR:  That’s it.  (Grabs Orlando by his collar)

OB:  Are we gonna shag now?

WR:  Get out.

OB:  You’ll never get anywhere with me as long as you have that attitude.

WR:  Get the fuck out.

(Wanda throws him on the curb and slams the door.)

OB:  Kate Bosworth let me have hookers all the time!  Mr. Rizzuto?  Call me?

MR:  You never let me have any fun.

Hooker:  You know the hookers were all Kate Bosworth’s idea, right?

WR:  Yeah, I figured.



  1. Hhahahaahah. Aw, do you need a hug, Wanda? If Orly ever does SNL he should act these out cuz they’re brill!

  2. Your fantasy are as good as mine. I always end up cleaning my dream lady’s house.

  3. “You don’t think my back’s going to massage itself, do you?”

    You’re a fucking genius. This is my favorite OB post yet. And, note to self: never invite Colin Farrell over for the Super Bowl. The hookers would be with him when he arrived.

  4. This is too funny. lol

  5. You should have thrown him out the minute he asked for beer. – he couldn’t hold down a whole pint anyway.

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