(Mr. Rizzuto said part one wasn’t as hot as he thought it would be. You can read it here.)
One night in Wanda’s boudoir….
Orlando Bloom: Well, here we are again my dear.
Wanda Rizzuto: Here we are.
OB: Sorry about last time.
WR: Don’t worry about it sweetie.
OB: So, are you ready?
WR: Did you bring condoms?
OB: Condoms? Aren’t you on the pill?
OB: Of course. Safe sex and all. Maybe I’ll run out to Duane Reade….
WR: Please, you wouldn’t last two minutes in this neighborhood. Check my purse.
OB: OK. (Rooting through Wanda’s purse). Let’s see…Wellbutrin, Percoset, pepper spray, half-eaten half-pound bag of peanut M&M’s…what’s this? Did you know you have a warrant out for your arrest in California?
WR: They got nothing.
OB: Right…bottle of NesQuik, expired in 2004, hardcover copy of Why Being Fat Is Not A Sin, Vicodin, prescription Aleve, 12-pack of bobos…
DR: Mom! Janey set the dog on fire again!
JR: Kiss doggy!
WR: YOU KIDS SETTLE DOWN OR I’M TAKING OFF MY BELT! I’m terribly sorry darling. Did you find them yet?
OB: Yes, here they are. So. Are you ready for a night of burning, unbridled passion?
WR: You bet.
OB: Here’s a move I saw in a Jenna Jameson movie….
WR: I don’t think so creep.
OB: Oh. OK. Well, I brought a few toys with me. I think I saw some triple A batteries in your purse….
WR: Not in this lifetime you don’t.
OB: No? Uh…why don’t you face the other way and I’ll just get my handcuffs…
OB: Well, what do you want to do then?
WR: I don’t know. I’ll just lay here, you figure it out.
OB: What kind of fantasy is this anyway? I thought you Catholic girls were supposed to be wild and uninhibited!
WR: Someone’s going to hell for telling you that lie. Gimme the remote.
OB: Oh, I get it. Spice Channel?
WR: No, Iron Chef America.
OB: I don’t understand. You want to watch Iron Chef during sex?
WR: Oh, you don’t understand? Well let me explain it to you Mr. Movie Star! I work over 50 hours a week and I have to come home to two dogs, a husband, and two savage children. I’m tired, OK? I multitask, OK? Excuse me for living, OK?
OB: But I….
WR: (Crying) You’re so insensitive!
WR: (Sobbing) You don’t appreciate meeeeeee!
OB: Oh no, please don’t cry! I ….
Mr. Rizzuto: Don’t worry about her, she just forgot to take her Wellbutrin again.
OB: Wha? You again? What are you doing here?
MR: I live here. Can you guys keep it down? I have to work in the morning. Move over.
OB: But it’s only 9:30!
MR: Damn, it’s later than I thought!
OB: Oh bollocks! Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but I’m contractually obligated to have nasty sex with your wife. Give me a few minutes, there’s a good man!
MR: My wife? My wife fell asleep five minutes ago.
OB: Oh. Damn. I’m not into that.
MR: Eh, you get used to it.
OB: Does she always drool like that?
MR: Yes. Wanna smoke a bowl and watch South Park?
OB: Which one is it?
MR: The one with Jennifer Lopez.
OB: Oh, yay! Taco flavored kisses!
MR: Hee hee! Hey wait a sec, you’re not gay or anything are you?
MR: Just checking.