So Jamie Lynn, I hear you went and ruined your life. Congratulations on that. Pregnant at sixteen, who would have guessed? Not you or your boyfriend. No, you guys were “shocked.”
Everyone keeps talking about what a “teaching moment” this can be for teenagers. We’re supposed to be “opening a dialogue”. The thing is, everyone’s scared to ask the most important question. Please allow me. What’s up with the birth control Jamie?
Weren’t you using anything? Were you on the pill? I guess since it’s only 98% effective you might just be unlucky. Or maybe you were tired of all the attention your sister was getting and you just flushed them down the toilet.
You should really use a condom anyway. Maybe it broke. Did the condom break? You didn’t poke holes in it did you?
Maybe they made you take one of those “abstinence-only” sex ed classes. Too bad, someone should have told you that those programs don’t prevent teenage pregnancy. Sucks for you. But maybe since you met your boyfriend in church you both should have known that premarital sex is a sin anyway.
Jamie? He didn’t tell you he wouldn’t come, did he? Please tell me you didn’t fall for that one.
I’m sorry if these questions seem a little indelicate, but you have to expect that sort of thing when you show your proverbial ass on the cover of OK! Besides, I really need to know what goes on in the mind of a teenage girl these days. You see, I have a daughter. A daughter who, I might add, will be unceremoniously thrown down a flight of stairs by yours truly if she ever ends up in your situation. Your mom might play that, but I don’t.
Anyway, better luck next time. By the way, please tell your skank sister to get the hell off my TV.