I want to get one thing straight on the outset: I do not squee. I have never squeed in my life, not even once.
As you know, I’ve been wandering the internet trying to find Orlando Bloom for a while now. I’ve slacked off a little bit lately, and he hasn’t answered any of my letters. I thought the “dick in a box” thing would get his attention for sure, but no such luck. So I’ve made it my new year’s resolution to find him, come hell or high water.
In my travels I’ve come across a number of Orlando related websites, none of which have been any kind of help. I even tried going undercover on one of the Orlando Bloom message boards (I wrote about it once before) and the result was, heh, a little odd.
For one thing, I can’t seem to rise above “newbie” status. I have to post about 20 times before they can be assured that I’m not some kind of crackpot that can’t follow the rules. The problems is that I can only post to certain categories, and I can’t write about anything interesting like his private life or how my husband says I can boff him. What the hell am I supposed to write about? I mean, how many different ways can I say that he’s hot?
And they keep talking about “squeeing”. Is that even a word? I tried getting into a discussion about the premiere of Troy on AMC. I made a tiny joke about how Mr. Rizzuto kept standing in front of the T.V. when all the money shots came on and I got lectured by someone about the state of my marriage. You wouldn’t believe it! Well, read it for yourself:
“…push him out of the way next time!! And remind him that it’s not nice to keep you from the things that keep you happy. You’ll be a better wife if he can manage to put up with your squee-ing for a few hours.”
She said this without a bit of irony. Yeah. Check please.
Of course, Facebook is always an option. Supposedly Orlando has gone undercover himself on Facebook to try to find a new girlfriend. But Facebook? I already have a MySpace page that I can barely keep up with. And what are the odds of him finding me there? Besides, somebody in their marketing department probably made the whole thing up anyway.
So now I find myself in a bit of a quandry. How am I supposed to find this guy? Rumor has it that he isn’t even working on anything right now, so what gives? I’m running out of ideas. I need your help.
What should I do? Send him another package? Pay him a visit? (Keep in mind he just painted his house black so it won’t be hard to find). Kindly cast your vote below. Please feel free to vote as often as you’d like, particularly you readers that never leave any comments (I’m looking at you, guy from Finland!)
I anxiously await your responses.