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I want to get one thing straight on the outset: I do not squee. I have never squeed in my life, not even once.

As you know, I’ve been wandering the internet trying to find Orlando Bloom for a while now. I’ve slacked off a little bit lately, and he hasn’t answered any of my letters. I thought the “dick in a box” thing would get his attention for sure, but no such luck. So I’ve made it my new year’s resolution to find him, come hell or high water.

In my travels I’ve come across a number of Orlando related websites, none of which have been any kind of help. I even tried going undercover on one of the Orlando Bloom message boards (I wrote about it once before) and the result was, heh, a little odd.

For one thing, I can’t seem to rise above “newbie” status. I have to post about 20 times before they can be assured that I’m not some kind of crackpot that can’t follow the rules.  The problems is that I can only post to certain categories, and I can’t write about anything interesting like his private life or how my husband says I can boff him. What the hell am I supposed to write about? I mean, how many different ways can I say that he’s hot?

And they keep talking about “squeeing”. Is that even a word? I tried getting into a discussion about the premiere of Troy on AMC. I made a tiny joke about how Mr. Rizzuto kept standing in front of the T.V. when all the money shots came on and I got lectured by someone about the state of my marriage. You wouldn’t believe it! Well, read it for yourself:

“…push him out of the way next time!! And remind him that it’s not nice to keep you from the things that keep you happy. You’ll be a better wife if he can manage to put up with your squee-ing for a few hours.”

She said this without a bit of irony. Yeah. Check please.

Of course, Facebook is always an option. Supposedly Orlando has gone undercover himself on Facebook to try to find a new girlfriend. But Facebook? I already have a MySpace page that I can barely keep up with. And what are the odds of him finding me there? Besides, somebody in their marketing department probably made the whole thing up anyway.

So now I find myself in a bit of a quandry. How am I supposed to find this guy? Rumor has it that he isn’t even working on anything right now, so what gives? I’m running out of ideas. I need your help.

What should I do? Send him another package? Pay him a visit? (Keep in mind he just painted his house black so it won’t be hard to find). Kindly cast your vote below. Please feel free to vote as often as you’d like, particularly you readers that never leave any comments (I’m looking at you, guy from Finland!) 

I anxiously await your responses.



  1. *Snork!*

  2. don’t wait in front the place, just break the eph in. U might get arrested but would be the first Typho to make the gossip pages.

  3. ^ Not such a bad idea.

    Or I can have my sister leave a note in his mailbox… she’s going back to L.A. to pick up the rest of our furniture at some point this week…

    * hahahahha. Some messboard slag told you to push Mr. Rizzuto out of the way!*

  4. I voted all of the above. Got to have variety when you’re stalking a celeb.

    Oh, and Orly looked gay as hell in Troy. They all did. Except Eric Bana. He’s sessy

    And, yes, next time, commit domestic violence! And you’ll be a better wifey for it. See, no irony there! I’m all serious. I have my serious face on and everything.

  5. First Typho to make the gossip pages?

    Now Janers, why do you have to say things like that? You know you’re only encouraging me.

  6. Damn, I voted #2, but that doesn’t seem to be a popular choice.

  7. That toy is totally cool! I want one.

    I don’t know what squee means. I’m not marking this as read in my RSS so that I remember to come back and vote often. That was good advice you gave in the title.

  8. Well Bongo, I gather it’s something like this:

    “OMG, he’s so cute! Squee! I love him so much! Squee!”

    You know. Squee.

  9. Squee? I don’t even squee if it’s followed by gee. When someone finds out what this is, let me know so I can make sure I’m not doing it!

    I voted for another try at “dick in a box.” Persistence is probably key. You could also send him the shot of your ass in the red underwear. It was just Christmas, after all.

    • the little fluffy cat
    • Posted December 27, 2007 at 1:25 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    Squee looks like this: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!”

    Don’t ever, ever, do it.

  10. Tigereye, have you looked at that thread lately? Mr. Rizzuto is encouraging everyone to make that pic into wallpaper.

  11. I love the survey thingy!

  12. I don’t think I can make an informed vote without knowing what “squee” is. I may not be able to if I do know. To squee or not to squee…now I must question whether ’tis nobler to vote without knowing…

  13. Is this vote as rigged as presidential elections?

  14. OK. I’m voting again. I can’t remember how I voted last time so I don’t know if I’m canceling my vote or doubling it.

    I agree with LFC. Never do it.

  15. Thanks Bongo.

    Did any of you other guys read the title of this post? How come I only have 12 votes?

  16. Screw the wallpaper! I want a signed and numbered print.

    Maybe I’ll vote again. I spent a lot of time in Chicago once…I know how to do it…

  17. I’m planning a limited printing of 10,000. Signatures will cost extra.

  18. I can go with you Wanda and will break into every other house in the neighbourhood, YAY! me rich!

  19. Hi Mr. Rizzuto! You’ve snagged yourself a cool lady…

    * Wanda: I voted for “squee” damn near 5 times total, and once for waiting in front of his house…

  20. Wanda, if you’re gonna find him come hell or high water you have to pull out all stops, that why I voted for all of the above. I don’t think you need to increase your meds though. Lack of meds will probably help you more in your quest! WTF is squee?

  21. I have an idea (although I didn’t vote)…I hear he is in to death-defying activities that cause much consternation with his producers and directors…motorcycle racing, bungee jumping, etc. Are you up for a little death-defying action? Perhaps you can meet him on the bungee bridge?

  22. You might be onto something there Wenderina.

  23. This was too funny! I’m so proud that you could set up your own voting thingie!

    I need to figure out something to vote on and steal that from you.

  24. Yes, Wanda I am going to think of somethng to vote on and steal it from you, too. Ya know, cause that’s how TypHos survive, pilaging and stealing from another typHo!

    BTW, I’ve voted three times

  25. I just want to comfirm that Wanda never “squees”. Unless you consider a “squee” just a generic term for an involuntary audible sound of delight, which in that case Wanda’s squee is more like “nyah….”(with the mouth left open).

    Btw, as one who knows Wanda best im advocating an increase in meds as the best option for everyone involved.

  26. ^ Mr. Rizzuto, can I be the first to tell you you absolutely rock?

  27. No he doesn’t.

  28. Ahahahahahaha. But, of course he doesn’t rock nearly as hard as you, Wanda, my dear!

  29. Oh, and I think I would squee if I ever had Viggo Mortensen in my presence.

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