If you’ve been following my adventures you know that my husband, Mr. Rizzuto, likes it when I talk dirty. He’s been encouraging me to explore my inner-romance novelist. He even gave me the outline of a story, which I will recount here:
I’m minding my own business taking a shower when the bell rings. I hurry to answer the door and find Orlando Bloom on my stoop. His car has broken down and he wants to use my phone. I let him in, one thing leads to another (at some point my towel falls off) and Mr. Rizzuto catches us in the act. Mr. Rizzuto is angry, or not. He’s leaving that part up to me.
This is an historic occasion, faithful reader! I give you my first stab at cheap romance. (Actually, this is more like a screenplay. It just flows better that way, work with me.)
Wanda is minding her own business taking a shower when the doorbell rings. She rushes to answer it and finds a handsome stranger at the door.
Wanda Rizzuto: Hello!
Orlando Bloom: ‘Ello, love!
WR: Hey, aren’t you Orlando Bloom, star of such blockbuster movies as Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean?
OB: Right love, Bob’s yer uncle, wot!
WR: Excuse me?
OB: I said my car broke down. Do you mind if I use your phone?
WR: But what are you doing driving through this neighborhood? Without a cell phone?
OB: I’ve been wondering about that myself. May I come in?
WR: Of course.
Wanda walks seductively across the room.
WR: Just have a seat right here, I’ll go get the phone.
OB: Thanks. By the way, I love your costume. Masquerade party, is it? Don’t tell me…you’re an iceberg? No, wait…the state of Alaska! Brilliant!
WR: Actually, this is just a big fluffy white towel I threw on when I heard the doorbell ring.
OB: I’m very sorry.
WR: It’s OK.
OB: No, really, I….Well, this is awkward.
WR: Don’t worry about it. Just forget it.
OB: Maybe we should just continue.
OB: Your line.
OB: Your line.
WR: Oh. Right. Excuse me while I pick up this pencil I dropped…oh, my towel!
OB: What the bloody buggery bollocks!
OB: Put the towel back on! Put the towel back on!
WR: Hey screw you, I’ve had two kids! I think I look pretty good.
OB: Oh good lord. Just hurry up and bring the phone, OK? I have to call my agent.
WR: For what?
OB: Look, Wanda, that’s your name, right? I’ll be honest with you. This project isn’t quite what I expected. If it’s all the same to you I’d like to pull out now.
WR: Pull out? Pull out? Nobody pulls out on me! You just sit your pretty ass down!
OB: Oh God, alright, maybe we can work something out. How about a nice Lewinsky, hmm?
WR: Uh…a Lewinsky?
OB: Yes, yes (unbuttoning his pants). Come on then, let’s get this over with. Just for God’s sake keep that towel on.
WR: Wait, can we talk this over? I….
Mr. Rizzuto: What the hell is going on in here!
WR: Oh my God!
OB: Oh my God!
WR: Nothing happened honey! I swear!
OB: Right, nothing happened mate! I never touched her. She was just going to give me a Lewinsky, that’s all, honest!
MR: A Lewinsky?
Mr. Rizzuto begins laughing hysterically.
WR: What’s so funny?
OB: Yes, what’s so funny?
MR: He thought *heave* he was gonna get *heave*a blowjob! Wah ha ha ha!
MR: Hee hee! Thanks you two, I needed that laugh.
WR: Very amusing.
MR: Come on, I’ll call you a cab.
OB: Bless you, sir.
MR: You can wait in the kids’ room. They just got a new puppet theater.
OB: Oo! Punch and Judy!
WR: Fucking celebrities.