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If you’ve been following my adventures you know that my husband, Mr. Rizzuto, likes it when I talk dirty.  He’s been encouraging me to explore my inner-romance novelist.  He even gave me the outline of a story, which I will recount here:

I’m minding my own business taking a shower when the bell rings.  I hurry to answer the door and find Orlando Bloom on my stoop.  His car has broken down and he wants to use my phone.  I let him in, one thing leads to another (at some point my towel falls off) and Mr. Rizzuto catches us in the act.  Mr. Rizzuto is angry, or not.  He’s leaving that part up to me.

This is an historic occasion, faithful reader!  I give you my first stab at cheap romance.  (Actually, this is more like a screenplay.  It just flows better that way, work with me.)

Wanda is minding her own business taking a shower when the doorbell rings.  She rushes to answer it and finds a handsome stranger at the door.

Wanda Rizzuto:  Hello!

Orlando Bloom:  ‘Ello, love!

WR:  Hey, aren’t you Orlando Bloom, star of such blockbuster movies as Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean?

OB:  Right love, Bob’s yer uncle, wot!

WR:  Excuse me?

OB:  I said my car broke down.  Do you mind if I use your phone?

WR:  But what are you doing driving through this neighborhood?  Without a cell phone?

OB:  I’ve been wondering about that myself.  May I come in?

WR:  Of course.

Wanda walks seductively across the room.

WR:  Just have a seat right here, I’ll go get the phone.

OB:  Thanks.  By the way, I love your costume.  Masquerade party, is it?  Don’t tell me…you’re an iceberg?  No, wait…the state of Alaska!  Brilliant!

WR:  Actually, this is just a big fluffy white towel I threw on when I heard the doorbell ring.

OB:  Oh.

WR:  Yep.

OB:  I’m very sorry.

WR:  It’s OK.

OB:  No, really, I….Well, this is awkward.

WR:  Don’t worry about it.  Just forget it.

OB:  Maybe we should just continue.

WR:  OK.

OB:  Your line.

WR:  What?

OB:  Your line.

WR:  Oh.  Right.  Excuse me while I pick up this pencil I dropped…oh, my towel!

OB:  What the bloody buggery bollocks!

WR:  What?

OB:   Put the towel back on!  Put the towel back on!

WR:  Hey screw you, I’ve had two kids!  I think I look pretty good.

OB:  Oh good lord.  Just hurry up and bring the phone, OK?  I have to call my agent.

WR:  For what?

OB:  Look, Wanda, that’s your name, right?  I’ll be honest with you.  This project isn’t quite what I expected.  If it’s all the same to you I’d like to pull out now.

WR:  Pull out?  Pull out?  Nobody pulls out on me!  You just sit your pretty ass down!

OB:  Oh God, alright, maybe we can work something out.  How about a nice Lewinsky, hmm?

WR:  Uh…a Lewinsky?

OB:  Yes, yes (unbuttoning his pants).  Come on then, let’s get this over with.  Just for God’s sake keep that towel on.

WR:  Wait, can we talk this over?  I….

Mr. Rizzuto:  What the hell is going on in here!

WR:  Oh my God!

OB:  Oh my God!

WR:  Nothing happened honey!  I swear!

OB:  Right, nothing happened mate!  I never touched her.  She was just going to give me a Lewinsky, that’s all, honest!

MR:  A Lewinsky?

Mr. Rizzuto begins laughing hysterically.

WR:  What’s so funny?

OB:  Yes, what’s so funny?

MR:  He thought *heave* he was gonna get *heave*a blowjob!  Wah ha ha ha!

OB:  Wot?

MR:  Hee hee!  Thanks you two, I needed that laugh.

WR:  Very amusing.

MR:  Come on, I’ll call you a cab.

OB:  Bless you, sir.

MR:  You can wait in the kids’ room.  They just got a new puppet theater.

OB:  Oo!  Punch and Judy!

WR:  Fucking celebrities.

Click here for part 2

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26 Comments

  1. Hahaha, brill

  2. LOL. This was cute. It kept me entertained.

  3. Only a Lewinsky? I’d have thought he would have jumped you.

  4. Heeee! This is funny, but implausible, I dont see a big star like him driving his own car.

  5. What are you talking about JoJo? Read this:

    http://www.tmz.com/2007/10/12/orlando-bloom-involved-in-car-accident/

  6. Sweet Jesus, that is FUNNY! I’m rewriting it entirely in my head, changing the cast to me, Colin Farrell, and John. Everything else carries over just fine…

  7. That was all sorts of stellar, Wanda! Punch and Judy… 😉

  8. Earth to Tigereye…Colin Farrell looks like Groucho Marx.

  9. Hi Anners!

  10. Can I option this? It has potential.

  11. Priceless, Wanda! You capture the housewife fantasy *and* nightmare all at once.

  12. This was hysterical! I’m so glad I’m here reading you writing like you again.

  13. I’m glad to be writing like me again Suzy!

  14. Too funny. But you’re a bad influence. I’ve been having Orlando dreams lately…
    Ok maybe you’re a good influence.

  15. You’ll be sorry when I marry Colin and we’re both hanging around Ireland drunk all the time and only invite you over when we’re out of booze…

    I’ve gotta get John to read this.

  16. Yes, please don’t drink all the booze in Ireland without me Tigereye.

    Wenderina, did he have his pants on in your dream?

  17. You know what. I’ll have to try and dream induce to get that answer. I hate it when you wake up and know the dream was hot, but you can’t remember it all. I’m feeling like it was a full on naked moment….but I’ll have to revisit it to tell you for sure. I’ll keep a notepad by the bed so I can capture it all and share it with you…only you…

  18. Damn.

  19. You’re right … Colin Farrell does look like Groucho Marx.

    On another note … what’s the reverse equivalent of a “Lewinsky?” I guess there isn’t any famous example of that happening in an office, except maybe at Pandemonic’s X-rated business.

  20. Wanda that was hilarious, you had me at Bob’s your uncle!

  21. You can’t get laid in your own fantasy?

  22. I’m such a loser bigcocky. It’s about time you stopped by though!

  23. Hmm. I actually have three guys here claiming to be maintenance and talking about some letter from apartment management that I’ve never received about how they have to come in and smash my bathroom to smithereens. What do you think they’re up to?

    None of them appear to be celebrities or have a British accent, unfortunately. The white guy who yells “plumber” every time he kicks in the door as he goes and comes has a cute ponytail though.

  24. I found this when I typed in Orlando Bloom blowjob!!! Awesome 🙂
    2 thumbs way up

  25. pLm2tMVPAINv6

  26. yop les gens j’aime bien cette facon de voir les chose ce commentaire mais le toner hp est mon soucis.


6 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. By Msense on 25 Nov 2007 at 9:15 pm

    […] Adult Fetish Blog wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptA Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 1) Posted by Wanda Rizzuto under The Orlando Chronicles | Tags: adultery, blowjob, celebrities, humor, Lewinsky, Orlando Bloom, romance, sex | […]

  2. […] (Mr. Rizzuto said part one wasn’t as hot as he thought it would be.  You can read it here.) […]

  3. By Deadpan » Wanda’s Greatest Hits on 15 Jan 2008 at 9:54 pm

    […] A BODICE RIPPER FEATURING ORLANDO BLOOM (TAKE 1) […]

  4. […] A Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 1) […]

  5. […] A Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 1) […]

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