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“Thank you for calling Home Depot.  How may I help you?”

“Yes, hi.  I’m, uh, looking for something in a hand-held shower.”

 “You’ve come to the right place.  Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“What do you recommend?”

“Well, this Waterpik model is pretty popular…hey, what’s that noise?”

“Nothing.  You were saying?”

“Right.  The Waterpik.  It’s got a maximum flow rate of 2.5 Gpm.”

“Is that pretty standard?”

“Pretty much.  This is one of our most popular models.”

“What’s so great about that one?”

“People seem to like the brass finish.”

“Oh.  I don’t care about that.  What else do you have?”

“There sure is a lot of noise over on your end.  Are you installing a new bathroom?”

“No.  About the shower?”

“Sorry.  Maybe you’d be interested in the Aquatower 3000.”

“WOULD YOU ASSHOLES KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE?  I’M ON THE PHONE!”

“Who are you talking to?”

“Sorry.  Just the plumber.”

“Oh.  Are you upgrading?”

“No.  I broke my old shower, if you must know.”

“Really?  How did that happen?  What were you doing?”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Oh.  It’s pretty hard to break a shower though.” 

“Look, my husband was in Atlantic City so I put the kids to bed early and watched Haven on pay-per-view, OK?”

Haven?  Isn’t that that movie with Orlando Bloom?  I hear the love scenes are pretty hot.”

“Can we get back to business?  My husband will be home any minute.”

“Right.  Well, it’s got a thermostat valve and an adjustable height shower bar.”

“Go on.”

“Let’s see…it has wide, needle jet, champagne and pulsator sprays.”

 “Champagne, eh?  What else?”

“It’s got a built-in shampoo and accessory tray….”

“Fine, fine.  How much?”

“Fourteen hundred.”

“Fourteen hundred?  That’s highway robbery!”

“Maybe you’d like to hear about one of our other….”

“No, that’s OK.  I’ll take it.”

“Thank you for calling Home Depot and have a nice day!”

Editorial note:  If you’ve ever read any of my posts about my quest for Mr. Bloom’s phone number, you’ve probably said to yourself, “Wow.  Mr. Rizzuto must read this stuff and beat Wanda’s ass down every other day.”

You’d think that.  Actually, Mr. Rizzuto is pretty cool about it.  As a matter of fact, he thinks it’s hot when I talk dirty.  He even gave me the outline for a story that he wants me to write, which I’ll get to eventually.

In the meantime, Mr. Rizzuto said I should explore the whole hand-held shower thing.  I hope he likes it.

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19 Comments

  1. We had a shower-head purchasing adventure recently. I can’t recount it here. I look forward to hearing more about how you faired with it.

    I have written about showers before. I’m including a link so that maybe this comment will go into your spam file and you’ll feel that you are popular with spammers. Oh. Yeah. And, just to shamelessly plug myself — so it really is spam.

  2. I’m green with jealousy that you can afford to spend that much on your shower.

  3. I’m sorry it took so long to respond to this after reading it. I passed out when I read “fourteen hundred”. I’m okay. I fell off the bed when I passed out and the bed is right next to a brick wall that I hit my head on. But I’m okay.

    Tell Mr. Rizzuto I may send him the doctor’s bill!

  4. I think I’m blushing.

  5. LOL. This reminded me of a scene in a recent episode of Weeds.

  6. You OK there Scout?

    It’s cool Kathleen. I was just telling someone that I’m a little edgier and crazier than my other incarnation, but it’s all in good fun.

    And BTW peeps, I made this up. I didn’t really spend $1400 on a shower head. (It really does cost that much, but I didn’t buy it).

  7. I suppose it’s a testament to my stupidity that I actually researched shower accessories to write this post.

  8. LOL. No, it’s not stupid to research says the lady that is currently researching one SF museum and two impressionist paintings for her NaNoWriMo novel!

  9. $1400 for a shower head? What is it made of? Gold?

    Maybe that includes installation and some other things. We did have to spend $1000 to get a shower head and broken connecting pipes fixed. But that was back when Canadian dollars weren’t worth all that much.

  10. I wonder if I could get my landlord to upgrade my shower fixtures without asking too many questions…

  11. Welcome, tigereye. I get the feeling I know you. Anyone else get that feeling?

  12. I tried to interest my wife in the showerhead phenomenon. She looked at me asked what I was doing.

    If you’re interested Wanda, I can find that expensive showerhead in China for about $14.

  13. Back in the Old World, they called me Sunflowercat…

  14. See me. Snorting with laughter. And looking up new shower heads. I think mine might be the original house plumbing. About 3 of the 18 holes actually still spray water. Not very effective for…washing…yeah…

  15. I nearly fainted too when I read $1400 for a shower head! Thought Mr. Rizzuto might be spoiling you a bit.

  16. Ha, I wonder if I can get my landlord to do it, too, Tigereye…hmm

  17. Dirty.

  18. Dirty as I wanna be!

  19. Apparently I missed this, though it does sound familiar–maybe from a previous life.

    Oh yeah–aren’t vegetables healthier and cheaper?


2 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. By Deadpan » Miranda Kerr Is A Cabbage on 23 Apr 2008 at 4:34 pm

    […] (Yeah…I saw it.) […]

  2. […] Rizzuto do at a time like this?  He goes to Atlantic City!  And you guys know what happens when Mr. Rizzuto goes to Atlantic City.  I’ll be thinking about the good times though.  I won’t be thinking about […]

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