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If any of you know my husband, Mr. Rizzuto, you know that he is a biology teacher who lives to love Charles Darwin and the theory of evolution.  Mr. Rizzuto has decided to give me a practical lesson on the subject, which I will now share with you.

Let’s say you fall down the stairs and break your ass.  You’re almost completely useless.  You can’t even sit down comfortably because your ass is broken, so you have to lay around on the sofa all day long and scream at everyone because, despite the fact that you’re in excruciating pain, no one gives a rat’s ass about you.  For example, you ask one of your parasitic children to go upstairs and get your pain meds, and he says “why?”.  Another example, your parasitic baby refuses to sit anywhere except on your lap which causes sphincter-tightening spasms to shoot up your entire body periodically (like, every ten seconds).

Let’s say you get hungry and your husband orders from a take-out chicken place.  Let’s say you spend close to forty dollars on chicken, ribs, potato salad, french fries and fried vegetables.  Let’s say someone feels sorry enough for you to toss you one lousy chicken thigh and a rib.

Let’s say you wake up the next morning and there isn’t a scrap left.  Not a rib, not a drumstick, not a fucking fried mushroom.  Oh, wait.  There is a piece of zucchini shaped fried batter left laying around on the kitchen counter.  Sorry.

If that happened to you, according to Darwin’s theory, you’d starve to death while your non-ass broken friends will survive and pass along their non-ass broken genes.

Here’s something Mr. Darwin never touched upon.  If you say anything about starving to death before it happens, your parasitic family will think you’re a whining bitch and tell you to stop bringing everybody down and get off your broken ass and go for a walk.

I have to go now, my ass hurts.

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21 Comments

  1. I think since you’ve succeeded in breeding already, this means that ass-breaking genes are to be taken as selected for.

    As Mr. Dawkins says, we don’t have to run our own personal lives following the genetic imperative — it isn’t imperative in that way. So, I’m not going to break my ass on purpose.

  2. Good for you BGG.

    • the little fluffy cat
    • Posted November 12, 2007 at 11:30 am
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    *tosses Wanda more birthday cake*

  3. Which is good? That I’ve just realized that breaking my ass on purpose is a bad idea or that Richard Dawkins is one of my personal heros? Or is it all good?

  4. I feel badly for you. Really I do.

    Want me to take out a hit on Mr. R? I mean really. You deserve more than a couple of pieces of chicken.

  5. Hire someone to come look after only you and send the bill to Mr. R.

  6. I came back to tell you I once broke my ass trying to roller blade. My kids were really good at it and I thought it would be great exercise. Little did I know that when you fall down, it hurts like heck.

  7. Mr. Dawkins would probably point out that evolution only cares that that you have surviving offspring (who themselves have surviving offspring, and so on). Unfortunately, it gives a rat’s …ears about whether you’re happy and having a good time.

    The good news is that while many other animals are no longer needed once they’ve produced those offspring (unless they can produce more), human children are so useless for such a long time that they actually need their mothers if they’re going to survive. They should have insticts somewhere, even if currently not apparent, to ensure that you don’t starve to death. (Their father has similar genetic interests, and on top of it, he even knows this.)

    So I predict that you will be fed more chicken at some point. They may even go out to collect some of those mushrooms for you! (Not the ones that need the pigs to sniff them out. Evolution prefers cost-effective solutions. KFC is probably in the picture.)

    Now my question is, having read most of Dawkins’s books (though I don’t keep personal heroes, because they tend to goof up at some point, and then it’s like I goofed up, which I do enough of already, look at this sentence, for example): can a twelve-year-old human offspring be expected to make himself a sandwich if his mother is asleep, and sick on top of it? I would have thought so, but I have data to the contrary.

  8. Oh my goodness. I read Corina’s comment as “Hire someone to come look at your ass only you and send the bill to Mr. R.” and it doesn’t say that at all.

    I think I’m done online for the day.

  9. I’m sorry your ass still hurts, Wanda.

  10. Evil family. Broken bums are no fun. Don’t believe Darwin, if he had broken his bum his theory might have been different.

  11. BGG! I would not ever say that! Now come clean my laptop monitor. You’re responsible for the mess after all!

  12. I got ONE piece of chicken Pan. One.

    Well, I just got back from the doctor and you’ll all be pleased to hear that my ass isn’t broken. Thank you for your concern. Now excuse me while I get high on prescription meds.

  13. Corina: I believe that Shawn’s daughter would call what happened to me a brain fart.

    I’m happy that it was a funny one instead of a stinky one. It sure made me laugh.

    Aniko: I have lots of personal heros. You are one of them. Spotting plagiarism from a dictionary! Pippi Longstocking is one of them. I love her.

    I don’t have a problem when my personal heros show minor flaws. I kind of like it when they do because it makes me feel that my goof-ups are forgivable too.

  14. Ack. I meant ‘when they goof up’ not ‘when they do’.

  15. Wanda, I’m sorry you’re still in pain, but very glad you’re not broken.

    BGG, unfair using my own words to dampen my monitor!

    Usually my personal heros are my personal heros because of their flaws.

  16. That makes perfect sense, BGG.

    That dictionary thing–you remember that?! It took me some time to recall who that person was. But I do recall now.

  17. That sounds pretty weird. “That makes perfect sense” referred to the part where BGG explained about his heroes’ minor flaws and how he viewed them.

  18. Aniko: While I take the dictionary thing to be impressive, it isn’t that you did that particular thing once. It is that you produce a steady stream of things that are like and not like that. They are like it in that they are just little things but unlike it in that they’re are so many different little things. Altogether they show a combination of depth and breadth of understanding of the world. Plus, you’re nice.

  19. I broke my tailbone twice when I was twelve, both times due to stair-related mishaps. It broke so badly, in fact, that it has never healed properly, and still gives me fits if I have to sit in the same position for more than fifteen minutes.

    Aren’t you glad I told you what you can look forward to? A lifetime of shifting in your seat, irritating the hell out of people. Congratulations.

  20. Yay.


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