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I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I have this thing for Orlando Bloom. It’s embarrassing for a lot of reasons. For one thing, I’m on the bad side of 35 (or the really good side of 40, depending on how much Wellbutrin I’ve had). Let’s face it, I’m too old to be crushing on a movie star. For another thing, I really should be over my Great Weakness (i.e. white boys) after all these years. But that’s a whole other blog post.

It’s just that every time I watch Lord of the Rings or Troy I just want to grab him and make him do things. Unspeakable things. Things like scrubbing the mildew off of my bathtub or watching my kids while I get shitfaced.

What? Yes, I have children. I have a husband too, which is another reason why this whole thing is embarrassing. It’s cool though because Mr. Rizzuto and I have come to an understanding. If the opportunity ever presents itself Orlando and I can do unspeakable things to each other, for one time only. In exchange he gets to do likewise with Beyonce or Venus Williams, if the opportunity presents itself. He hasn’t decided which one yet.A couple of years ago I told my staff that I wanted Orlando for my birthday. They thought I was joking so they didn’t get him for me. Later that year he came to town for the premiere of one of his movies (can’t remember which one) and I tried to make one of my people go and pass him my phone number. I couldn’t go myself of course, I’m not crazy enough to be seen in public doing things like that. One of them almost went but then she changed her mind at the last minute. I think she might have called the Department of Labor and they told her she didn’t have to.Anyway, my life is a little boring at the moment. My kids can practically raise themselves and my career is in something of a holding pattern. I’m a nice Catholic girl which means that I won’t be getting any promotions in the near future (not that my company discriminates against Catholics, it‘s just that I don‘t suck dick). I could use some amusement. So I’ve been wondering, how hard can it be to get a movie star’s phone number? It’s not like he’s the pope or Charles Manson. But where to begin?

I’ve been reading the news and it seems that Orlando was in a minor car accident this weekend and spent the night at Cedars Sinai Hospital taking care of his injured friend. Cedars Sinai, eh?

Stay tuned.



  1. Wanda, you don’t exactly live around the corner from Cedars-Sinai.

  2. I like the kind of Unspeakable Things you speak of! For me it would be Andy Garcia. All I want to do is meet him and have a conversation with him, in Spanish no less. I’m beyond the physical stuff. It ain’t worth the pain. But to meet Andy! Wow! Actually, I’d like to cook for him. I make killer chicken enchiladas. Hmmm…perhaps one day!

  3. Well Heathen, you’ll just have to wait to read about the rest of my diabolical plan (which hopefully won’t involve a restraining order).

    Andy Garcia? Well, OK….

  4. I think I’m just slutty. I’d be willing to have nearly anyone do those unspeakable things for me.

  5. This is just dee-lightful. I look forward to the next chapter.

  6. Two words: Adrian Paul.

  7. If you have a thing for white boys and I have a thing for strong black men does that bring some sort of cosmic ballance?

  8. Depends Shawn. Which ones do you have a thing for?

  9. You’re such a ho… I have a thing for nobody. When you are on the blushy side of 50, it takes a lot to rock your socks off. Believe me.

  10. I generaly go for big strong guys like John Singleton, hot hot hot! (He directed Boyz in the Hood.), Laurence Fishburne, and Tommy Lister Jr. If I can whip a guy there’s no attraction. 😉

  11. Secret Crush = Patrick Dempsey. I know he’s all the rage now as McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy, but I loved him way back when he was in Can’t Buy Me Love, Loverboy, and when he played JFK. {girlie sigh}

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